Every now and then I am hit with a world crushing realization. Chronic pain is virtually invisible to everyone who doesn’t live with it. They can’t see the pain, they can’t feel it, therefore they don’t realize how very bad and soul draining it is. And they tend to assume the pain sufferer is lazy, unreliable, and a “deadbeat”.
I don’t give a shit about most people understanding my pain. I live with it, I deal with it, no one else needs to feel for me or understand what I’m going through. I got this. But there is one person I do rely on for a shoulder, to understand and be there for me. And he usually is. It’s those moments when he says or does something that smacks of his lack of understanding the true depth of what I’m going through. It’s those moments that stab deep through my heart.
He’s good about being there for me. He’s good about not bringing up the fact that we suffer financially solely because of my health issues (which weighs on me every second of every day). It costs a lot of money to be diabetic and have so many complications of diabetes. It’s even harder financially because I haven’t been working because of my many surgeries and recoveries, and chronic pain. And no, I don’t qualify for assistance or disability, etc. But when the shit hits the fan, even he turns and stares me down and throws his emotional support and understanding out the window.
So today I got it from him. I stood on my iceberg of tormenting solitude where all chronic pain sufferers are exiled to, and I listened to the one person I need the most tell me to go back to my daily agony so we can pay our bills. I needed to hold him and cry into his loving arms and be comforted, but he was the immediate source of my current pain so I had nowhere to turn. I was bombarded by truths of why we are drowning financially. It’s all my fault and I need to do what I need to do.
I know he’s stressed out. He feels like he’s failing at supporting us. He feels like he’s drowning so he’s grasping at any hope and help he can find. He tried so hard not to hurt me with his words, but how do you not hurt someone when you’re telling them the truth? You need to go back to work, anywhere, even if it means pain all day, everyday. YOU’RE why we’re in this hole, YOU need to help get us out.
I’ve been trying to find a job that wont require me to be in excruciating pain all day, but there’s just nothing out there right now. I have been working on my overall, diabetic, and nerve health and using many methods to help the pain, and making great progress, but the pain may never go completely away. That’s just medical fact.
I have a high tolerance for pain. But even the highest tolerance will get worn down over time.
Don’t misunderstand me here, I have no problem doing what I need to do to keep us afloat. I’d go through hell and all the pain in the world to do my part. I’ll take any job to pay the bills right now.
It’s not the pain itself…it’s feeling alone in my suffering that really hurts.