So, my recent bout of depression and diabetic burnout lead me to seek out a change of scenery. I needed to do something to recharge, rest, clear my mind, calm my anxiety, take a break, etc. So, I went up to the mountains for a week for some fresh air.
While I was up there I spent time with my parents and brother. We did some organizing, movie watching, talking. We spent one day celebrating my brother’s girlfriends birthday. My mom got a new puppy so I helped her with a lot of training and basic care, and lots of playing and cute overload!
And, of course, I gave very little thought to diabetes care, I checked my blood sugar too infrequently, ate way too much; hell, I even took off my CGM. And the last day-and-a-half I was up there I did not take any of my medications (save insulin, of course).
There was one day where my mom and I, and the puppy took a day trip over to Stockton to visit some family. That was a lot of fun! I’m always happy to visit family I don’t get to see as often as I’d like.
All-in-all I was gone for exactly seven days. I needed it. I know my way of dealing with burnout is not healthy diabetes wise, but it is the only way I know that works for me to be able to get it out of my system and reboot my mind and emotions, and to get back into a healthy lifestyle.
If I don’t allow myself to totally shut down when I get to the point of depression and burnout (which seems to happen 1-2 times a year) then I truly believe I could become suicidal.
It’s like doing a cold reboot on your malfunctioning cellphone.
My mom, of course, was worried about me. I saw her bite her tongue every time she saw me eat a “sweet”, trying hard not to say anything like, “should you…”, “That’s not good for you…”, etc.. I also caught her a few times discreetly trying to sneak a peek when I checked my blood sugar.
She understands the way I work. She respects me as an adult and independent individual who’s diabetes and life is their own business. I tell her all about my struggles, my current plan of action.
And I suppose she trusted that I would be fine again as soon as “vacation” was over.
And I think I am. I am ready to get back on track, get strict again. I still feel a strong twinge of anxiety when I think of the coming moments when I work my ass off and still don’t see any positive results. But, I know they will happen, the frustration is real, diabetes is a bitch. I just need to remember that as long as I’m trying, then it’s not my fault when things don’t go well.