The Gates of Hell

From time to time I fall into a depression. You can call it diabetes burnout, diabetes funk, or just plain old depression. Usually this depression only lasts a few days to, maybe, three weeks. I’ve always been able to pull myself out of it before things get too serious.

Not this time.

I’m going on over two months now and it’s deeper, a million times worse than ever before.

I can’t function. I don’t find joy or interest in anything at all. I can’t muster a care for anything. I know I care, I know I want to be happy and healthy and do things I need to do; I know how I should feel and that those feelings are deep within me…but I just can’t act on them, I can’t quite reach them, I can’t get motivated.

I just don’t know how to word it to make it understandable.

I sleep, usually, 15 hours a day. When I’m awake I don’t do much because I just don’t care.

This obviously goes beyond my diabetes care. It’s my entire life, not just diabetes burnout, it’s all of life burnout.

I don’t eat right. I go long periods of time without eating at all and then when I do eat I gorge on everything bad for me.

I neglect to drink water until I get sick with dehydration.

I don’t exercise.

I don’t bolus even close to correctly… sometimes I don’t bolus at all.

I don’t bother to deal with my CGM. I let it shutdown when the sensor times is up and then I don’t change it or take it off or reactivate it for several days.

I don’t shower everyday like I used to. I only shower when I can’t stand myself anymore.

I don’t refill my prescriptions on time, or take my pills regularly.

I don’t do my daily household chores regularly.

I don’t check my BG nearly as often as I should.

I reschedule doctor appointments so I don’t have to go.

My blood sugars are really high most the time…..

and I just don’t care…

I’m thinking this is clinical depression and I need professional help this time.

I don’t like feeling this way. I’m like a zombie. I don’t know what caused it. I can’t pull myself out of this hole.

I’ve been content to just think about the trouble I’m in but not fight the fact that I can’t bring myself to take any action at all.  But now, now, I need to be my old self and not give up.

But all I really want to do is go to sleep.

Tom Petty – I Won’t Back Down

Gary Jules – Mad World

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Author: Tamra K. Garcia

Stephen King says to "Write what you know." I know diabetes, I know me; so this is what I write about.

4 thoughts on “The Gates of Hell”

  1. These are times where we just have to force ourselves to start moving our bodies. A nice walk, a bike ride in nature or sometimes just a sit in the park. You are the most important person in the world to yourself and your own best friend. Who knows you better than you? Treat yourself to a little breakaway from your current surroundings. Take a shower, get dressed and do something special for yourself today. 🙂

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  2. I think I agree with SimpleLivingOver50, sometimes you just sort of have to yell Nike and go for it. Even if going for it means doing a bolus.

    I referred your blog to the TUDiabetes blog page for the week of May 23, 2016

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  3. Hi Tamra,
    I enjoy your blog because it’s real. You’ve talked about things that I have done to myself and in spite of, or most likely to spite, my diabetes with an openness and honesty that is refreshing.
    I hope the gloom starts to clear for you soon. Something that has helped me before was this, do the smallest thing that has the greatest impact. (Not sure where I originally heard this, but I’m so glad I did.) Just one small change can get the ball rolling. You’ll know what that is for you. For me it was testing more. Then it was using that info to actually take my shots or influence my meal choices. Then there was exercise. No need to do it all today. The struggle is real, as they say. And depression is brutal.
    Just do what you can, when you can 💜

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