Part of having depression is having unreasonable thoughts and feelings…maybe the word “unreasonable “isn’t quite right, maybe “untrue” is more appropriate here.
I’ve always suffered with the beliefs and feelings that I am unloved, unliked, unwanted, etc.. And over the past three years you can add on, a burden.
So, logically when I think about when the time I die comes…
Digression here. Yes, I think about dieing. I think it’s not morbid but actually healthy to think about your own death…as long as you’re not dwelling or obsessing over it. Being as riddled with incurable diseases as I am, as unhealthy as I am, it’s never seemed odd or “psycho” to think about what’s going to eventually happen to all of us.
I don’t do it in a suicidal way. I just am not afraid to think that far ahead (as if any of us knows when or how it’ll happen).
So logically, when I think about when the time I die comes, I wonder who will miss me. Will anyone? With me being so introverted, and having social anxiety, and being agoraphobic, I don’t really have a whole lot of social interaction with people. Sure I have friends, but will they really care, or even notice, when I die? I have a large family…I’m sure many of them will miss me, but honestly, I’m not too sure about all of them.
Like I said, I’m often overwhelmed with thoughts that no one cares, no one loves me…they don’t even like me. I’m nothing but a burden to my husband and mother. So It would probably bring more relief and joy to them when I die.
I know this isn’t true. But because I have depression (yes, I’m on meds) I have these thoughts and feelings. And I’ve had them my entire life. I remember at a very young age, probably around six years old, having thoughts like this.
It’s very difficult to change thinking and feelings that you’ve had daily for 30ish years.
And when you are not the one causing your own thoughts and feelings- an illness is- well it’s even harder to change.
The meds help me “feel” better, and to some extent think “righter”, but they don’t cure me. So there’s always more work to be done.