I often wonder if the way I physically feel throughout the day. Or just certain things I feel for whatever reason (if I even know the reason) are ever felt by non-diabetics.
Do I “feel” normal?…
I’m such a slave to diabetes. Never free to be me…
Other than physical, I also fluctuate in emotional and psychological thoughts and feelings. There’s no question that many more people than will admit to it suffer the same way.
I’m not the only person who self-loathes, who feels broken.
Would I think differently of myself if I had not become a type 1 diabetic?
We all change in many ways as we grow older, some grow and become smarter, better, stronger. Some get stuck in the past, dwell on the wrong things, and end up broken and beaten.
But the good thing is, we can keep changing. We can improve no matter what.
I may be “sick” but that doesn’t mean I have to hate it.
But how do I stop hating it? How can I be OK with something that’s trying to kill me?
Diabetes drives me insane…
It’s taken over my body. It’s killing me. I’m afraid. I’m pissed. I’m tired…
I don’t know how much longer I can keep mustering strength I used up years ago.
All of this has made my anxiety so bad that I have become agoraphobic. I rarely leave my house anymore.
Diabetes has beaten me. It hurts on so many levels. Diabetes is such a bitch!
Diabetes needs to die. Just go away. Fuck off! Leave me be!
I suppose I can keep trying. I’ll beat you one day, diabetes!
And then there’s the other side of thought:
How would we know goodness without evil?
How would we know health without sickness?
How would we know love without hate?
How could we be grateful or happy if first we did not experience hardship and sadness?
How can we be strong if we don’t understand what it is to be weak?
How can we learn perseverance if we do not experience failure?
Do not let fear overtake you; do not let it make you turn away from the joy you could win with hard work.
“When you think all is forsaken
Listen to me now (all is not forsaken)
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness can show you the light”
Yes, diabetes is a horrible bastard. But don’t look at the evil it brings, but the lessons you can take from it. Only you can overcome your disease, only you can control it. Keep trying.
Be strong. It is within our darkest hours that we find our energy, our perseverance, our resolve.