Once or twice a year I have to stop and look at myself. Not in a mirror so much as looking over my daily life, habits, routines, thoughts, emotions, etc.. We tend to get caught up in things, get too close and not realize that we aren’t going about things in the easier, less stressful, or correct way.
What the heck am I talking about?!
- Diet – Diet is a word easily misunderstood. Your diet isn’t a short-term thing you do just to lose a few pounds or have a good A1c “this time”. Your diet is the way you eat all the time. My current diet is shit. It’s terrible and I know it and I keep telling myself to go back to the way I know works for me, LCHF. But my current living arrangements make it difficult.
A. The other people who live in my home constantly buy high carb foods free to the entire household. Since I’m home all the time (for many reasons) and the bad foods are here, I can not and do not resist them. I ask the other people to not bring these things into the home (or to keep them out of my sight at least), but, really, I can’t expect others to live the way I need to. Wait! I can! They are type 2 diabetics! They should be eating just like me (a type 1)! We should be working together to be healthy. But, alas, life doesn’t always go as it should.
B. I know it is my own responsibility to eat the way I need to. And I do try, but in this part of life I suck at being strong. I eat carbs when I’m stressed, and in this living arrangement I am very stressed all the time. I eat carbs out of bad emotions, anger, frustration, sadness, etc.. The other people in the house do the same thing, so currently the refrigerator and pantry are packed with ice cream, pudding, pasta, etc.; it’s bad. This makes for a difficult time resisting.
C. We eat out too often. And I’m not the type to want a salad when there are fries and burgers available, and at a much lower price. We just need to stop with the fast food. I love to cook, and when I cook/prepare it is healthy and delicious. So why do we eat out so much?!
D. I don’t just eat bad, I also skip meals a lot. If it’s just me at home and I have no one else to cook/prepare for, I’m apt to just not eat at all. I often go almost an entire day without eating at all. This is just as bad as eating the wrong things.
2. Activity – I enjoy staying active; I love to clean my house, I enjoy spending a day on the town running errands or just running around from shop to shop for fun. But for some reason I’ve never been able to stick to a workout routine, not even the ones I really enjoyed. I suppose it’s because a workout really works you, pushes you to your limits and even hurts! So even though I enjoy it and it’s lasting benefits, it can be difficult to want to keep doing it.
And despite hard and continuous work, I still can’t lose not even one pound! I have many theories as to what is keeping the weight on (hypothyroidism, insulin resistance, age, muscle building, diet), but it all comes down to the fact that if you don’t see results you just don’t want to keep trying. I’m not dumb, I know how diet and exercise work, I know how to lose weight, I just can’t! And it is frustrating!
3. Medical stuff – Hohum, I’ve been burnt out for a long time. I stopped going to all my doctors, even my endocrinologist. I check my BG only when I feel high or low. Terrible, I know. I have so many medical issues I just can’t deal all the time. It gets so overwhelming, depressing, frustrating! There’s never a break; it’s not like these diseases are just going to say “OK, I’ll go away for a while so you can take a breather.”. Hell no! Even when I decide to conveniently forget that I’m chronically ill with a million issues, they’re still there nagging at me, demanding my attention, scratching at my nerves.
How else can I make you understand what it is like?
But, the past couple of days I’ve been on top of my BG checking. And I’m thinking of scheduling a couple doctor appointments. And I’m trying hard to eat right. I know I need to get back on track, I’m trying.
4. Mental/Emotional Stuff – I quit taking Cymbalta. It was helping at first, but the past 6 to 8 months I started having issues with it. I wasn’t feeling anything, both my physical and emotional feelings were greatly dulled. I felt like an alien in my own body. Disturbing to say the least. So I quit it. I feel so much better all around now, even though my natural feelings are difficult to deal with sometimes, I am so very happy to be myself again.
As I mentioned earlier, I live in some difficult arrangements at the moment. Not only is the house a hellhole, but one specific person we live with is almost my complete opposite and leaves me in a constant state of frustration, disgust, discomfort, and anxiety. I NEED cleanliness, sanitation, and organization in my home in order to be comfortable and happy. This other person is dirty, has no idea what sanitation is, has zero concept of organization, and is profoundly lazy and uncaring about any of these things.
So, not only do I have to live with this person, but I also have to do a ton more cleaning of dirtiness I and my hubby didn’t even create because fighting, arguing, begging, reasoning, have all proven to be useless on this person.
I live in a home where I am unable to be comfortable, happy, or even sane!
In the end, I obviously have a lot to work on, but what’s new? This is all just a constant in my life and I will continue on. The only thing that has changed is that I have learned from it all and will use this new knowledge to make myself a better, healthier person.
I will keep trying.