Why Do We Live Like This?

The past seven months have been a big change for me. But now this is the new norm and wont be changing anytime soon. It has been hard to adjust for many reasons.

Don’t misunderstand, it’s not bad. Life is better than ever, in fact. But, as is life, there are both pros and cons. It’s just been an adjustment that seems to have stalled, or, more accurately, I’ve been resisting.

Back in July I got a job. I had been unemployed for nearly five years up to this point due to serious health issues, and now here I was starting a brand new full-time job! I was worried over how this was going to play out considering my myriad of health issues. But I chose to draw on my strong will and ability to “do what needs to be done” and just deal.

Beyond the health issues there was the fact that I was going from near total freedom of my own schedule to near no scheduling freedom at all! It felt like a huge sacrifice, but my guilt over not working and not contributing financially motivated me. Yeah, I know, just because one doesn’t make money doesn’t mean they aren’t contributing! Society makes us think you must bring in an income in order to be worth something. Bullshit.

But I digress.

Then there were the worries that almost everyone would call “little worries” or “unnecessary worries” like how are the cats going to adjust to going from having me home all the time to me hardly ever being home? Answer: if they noticed, they hardly showed it. OK, one of them decided to chew up my phone charger cords.

I thought it would only take a couple of months to adjust and work out a good routine for my work, diet, exercise, BG control balance. Here we are seven months later and I’m still trying to work it out.

Part of it is my health issues that never fail to complicate things. But most of it is just me resisting. Resisting change, resisting becoming just another cookie-cutter person trapped by culture, society, and “They” who control us. Nobody tells me what to do! Nobody steals my freedom!… I am aware of the fault in my logic. It’s just my rebellious nature. I just hate the feelings of loss of freedom, loss of control over my own life. I’m struggling to change my thinking on what control I actually have now. What freedom I really do have now.

They by Jem

I just keep reminding myself of exactly why I am doing this. Why I’m forcing myself into and through this struggle. We are saving money to fix and remodel our home. We are able to have a retirement plan and safety bubble now instead of living paycheck to paycheck. We can enjoy fun and extras without feeling guilty. It’s worth it.

You’d think it would be easy to work out a meal plan when you have a set work schedule. Not for me. Well, I’m making it more difficult than it needs to be. I hate eating breakfast so finding something to force down my gullet in the morning is near impossible. I just don’t have an appetite in the morning. My gastroparesis, propensity toward high morning blood glucose, and my hormone issues all cause me to not want food in the morning. I have low-grade nausea most mornings and the thought of food makes me want to puke.

Lunch is easy. I take to work either a pre-made salad or a cup-o-noodles along with a can of diet soda and am set. No BG issues with that, and I like the flavor and serving sizes.

Dinner is another issue. We get home late for eating. We get home around 6:30 and I don’t like to eat after 7 due to overnight BG issues. So, why not prep the dinner’s on the weekend? I hate the idea of preparing the week’s meals on the weekend. Why the hell would I want to spend time working on the only two days I have some freedom?! So we need to find healthy, low carb, fast and easy meals. Salads are a simple go-to and that’s fine except we don’t want to eat salad every friggin’ day, and remember, I often eat salad at lunch. So we came up with the idea of crock pot meals two or three nights and salads two or three nights. We’re going to test it out and see.

The first six months of my new job I had intended to not take any time off. It looks good to the bosses, and it helps to be there in order to learn and get settled into the job. Duh.

It didn’t work out that way. There were a couple of days where I had to call out or go home early because my gastroparesis acted up bad enough to cause severe nausea and some vomiting.

In December, five months into the new job, my brother-in-law suddenly died. I took a week off for that.

During those first six months, though, I did not see any of my doctors. Nope, not even my endo. Now that the first six months is up I’ve made appointments to see my endo, cardiologist, and ophthalmologist.

Today I went to my endo appointment. It was pretty straightforward. She was not too happy to see my A1c has gone up an entire percent. We talked and I told her there are no excuses, it’s all been my own choices and behavior. She asked me to reconsider giving the Guardian CGM another try, and using Auto Mode on my 670G pump. Apparently they have made progress on fixing the dreaded loop traps.

I agreed to give it another shot and we agreed I’ll go back in and see her again in two months.

I plan to get my crap in order once more. It’s been too long and too much laziness.

2 thoughts on “Why Do We Live Like This?”

  1. Good luck with the machine. I finally visited my endo and she pushed once more to get me on a pump. I said no. I’m gaining weight, I don’t eat from after 7 or so til noon the next day, but my glucoses seem to be fairly steady..I’m not too upset. Mostly!


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