A lot has been happening these past couple of months. Things are just barely starting to “get back to normal” (whatever normal could be when someone who should be there isn’t) since my brother-in-law passed away. My health is doing some weird things. Work is good, but because of my health issues I’ve had to take more time off than I’d care to.
My brother-in-law passed away in early December. It was extremely shocking and sudden and very hard on all of us, but especially hard on his wife, mother, and brother (my hubby). Everyone has been in a depression and trying to cope and get through it. It’s tough when you think things are getting better and then there’s a day where you have that overwhelming rush over you of fresh disbelief, almost as if you just discovered he’d died. That “I just can’t believe it, he really is dead” feeling really hurts.
Seeing and interacting with my sister-in-law is heartbreaking. I want to hold her and comfort her. I want to take all her pain away. To see her and talk to her it’s obvious how very depressed she is. She is strong, though, very strong. She knows exactly where she is at emotionally and psychologically and doing all the right things to help herself. But the fact remains that everyone around her loves her and supports her and sees her pain and wants to take it all away, but we can’t. We can only be there for her and wait. Time will heal her. There will be a huge scar on her heart forever, but a scar is better than the gaping open wound she has right now.
My hubby is a similar story. He’s depressed but working to overcome it. He thinks he has to be the strong one for everyone else, and he succeeds at that, but at his own emotional cost. I am here for him, but there is only so much I can do. I hold him, I kiss him, I let him know how much I love him and that all of our friends and family are here for him, I listen to him talk about how he feels (when he’ll talk about it). I pick up on his queues of sadness and I rush in to comfort him and give him whatever he needs. The problem is that he won’t let himself fall, he won’t give in to the sadness and just break down and bawl his eyes out for awhile. He breaks down a bit and then he stops himself and swallows it. He acknowledges the behavior, “I want to hide from my feelings”. This behavior is typical of men. Raised to be “manly” and strong. What it’s doing to him, though, is making him short tempered; his buried pain is now manifesting as anger, impatience, and pessimism. At this point I’m not so sure time will heal this. He’s looking into getting counseling. I’m glad for that.
My pain is much more low-key. I find time in the evenings and on the weekends to write it out, think it out, and cry it out. For me, I find taking time to specifically dwell on the pain and give it undivided attention is a good way to lessen it, work it out, so I can function the rest of the time. This, I’m sure, won’t work as well for Hubby or sister-in-law because their pain is more profound and overwhelming. It’s a good exercise for me and other people, though. Whatever works, right? As long as it’s not detrimental.
As far as my health goes I’ve been experiencing some tummy and hormonal issues. They may be linked, but I’m not thinking so. For the past couple menstrual cycles my periods have been 2-3 weeks late and very heavy. I have been in Peri-menopause for several years but until now my cycle had shrunk from my normal 27 days down to 25, but now it has suddenly switched to more like 40+ days. My periods had been very light but now they are very heavy. And to top it off I have been a basket case with all these mood swings! I suppose the Peri-menopause is advancing?
The tummy troubles I think are just a bad gastroperesis flare-up. My GP had been diagnosed as mild and I haven’t had a whole lot of trouble with it this past year. I would get some nausea and vomiting once or twice a month that only lasted a day at a time. This past month I’ve had to go home early or call out from work several times due to severe nausea and some vomiting that will last two or more days. This may have something to do with my hormonal issues, but I’m not sure.
As far as my type 1 diabetes goes, things are getting better again. I had been in an extended burn-out which caused my A1c to rise an entire percent. A couple of weeks ago I saw my endo and she convinced me to try using the CGM and Auto Mode on my pump again. My regular readers will remember the nightmare I went through with this system not working right and driving me so insane I stopped using it. Apparently Medtronic has improved their transmitters and greatly reduced the occurrence of loop-traps. I agreed to give it a try and so far it has been working fine. I’ve had one failed sensor but otherwise no issues. As a result my BG’s have improved. Hopefully this continues.