Category Archives: Anxiety

YouTube

I fully intend on continuing to write here, I’m just a bit burnt out on it for now.

In the meantime I have been making videos on YouTube regarding all the same stuff I write about here. I have a total of three videos posted as of this post.

Check them out if you like.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3KOi-Y0gQioRcQpG17hwGw

I have the videos set to 18+, so you will probably have to log in and/or “verify” your age.

It’s My Birthday, I can talk about what I want.

I have been going through quite a change the past few weeks. I feel like I’ve almost become a new person. In reality, I am just finally able to access things within myself I couldn’t before.

I started partaking of a certain herb and, boy, has it been good for me. The herb wipes my anxiety out, lessens my depression quite a bit, and gives me energy. It also keeps my physical pain to a minimum, even when I am physically active.

I have been able to do household chores without having to take a million energy and pain breaks. I am able to feel genuinely happy. I am able to concentrate on projects. I am able to concentrate on imaginative ideas for stories, etc..

I am building back muscle strength I haven’t had in years. I have lost a bit of weight, hopefully more to go soon.

I am getting so much done!

It took me a while to find the mixtures of strains to achieve these effects, but when I did, damn, things changed a lot.

I also found a good strain to help me turn off and get the best, most restful nights sleep, ever.

I am rested and ready!

No, I am not high all the time. These beneficial effects last much longer than the high that comes with partaking. I spread it out so the effects I need are there when I need them.

Resolve

OK, guys, this one is going to be a bit different from my normal Writing While High posts. I am going into this one already a bit happy. Coming down from a smoke out, and just now ate a few gummies. So we’ll see where this goes.

It is the new year, so why not make this Writing While High prompt, Resolutions.

I really didn’t have any resolutions this year. Due to COVID-19, Sheltering-in-Place, and all, I had already been well into a workout routine, food plan, better health care of myself, mental health working, etc… thing I just decided to do one day and, thanks to Mary Jane, I can actually focus on and have the motivation and do it.

I’ve been doing better and better since I started in November.

I do not put time limits on anything. My only goal is to do better than before. I know what my agreements are and I do them, no overthinking, no monsters in my head degrading my desires and work, no procrastination. No pain. No punishment.

And it is working.

I have already started working what would have been my other resolution as well. Our house needs a lot of repair. We’ve tried and tried to get enough money together to do a big fix. It never works out. I have slowly started doing little fix-em-up projects on my own. It really feels good to even get one small thing done yourself.

I have felt a growth of confidence within myself lately, I think it also can be attributed to the partakage of the Grass. It kills my anxiety, therefore it kills the Monsters in my head that tell me I suck, I’m worthless. Without those voices I find more courage to try things and actually work to improve my skills.

Also, anxiety and depression are draining in every way. So by taking the Herb and killing the anxiety and depression, I find myself with much more energy and willingness to get things done!

A lot has changed the past six months. I am almost like a whole new person.

So, no need for resolutions. Just keep doin’ what I do.

I am thinking about giving myself a mow-hawk. I really like the idea. I’ve always wanted one so it would not only be fun, awesome, and cool, but also a bucket-list item!

I do feel genuinely happy and free. Like the whole of eternity is at my fingertips and, within the realm of possibility, I can do anything I set my mind to.

And so I no longer worry about every little grain of sand, I know life isn’t great, it’s full of pain and suffering but….I’m cool with it.

I’m all good, yo.

Like, for real, gimme some munchies, a roof over my head, and the love of my loved ones, I’m all goood.

One good thing that has come out of this pandemic is that it has forced those of us with brains in our heads to slow down. Stop and smell the flowers.

Re-prioritize.

My mind is a blank tonight.

Really, I’m dull tonight. Except that my keys seem to be floating under my fingers.

*Giggles*

I just went on a laughing fit so long and hard I almost pee’d myself.

Writing While High 2

I did this once before a few weeks back, writing a blog post while high. My readers seemed to get a laugh out of it, and I got a lot of new followers, so I thought I’d make a regular run of it.

I Ate a couple of gummies a few minutes ago and I am now going to start my blog with a writing prompt. I chose Type 1 Diabetes as my prompt for tonight since the original reason I started this blog was to discuss my T1D and reach out to other diabetics and to teach those who don’t know T1D from a cup of sugar.

So, let us begin…

Most people know that diabetes exists, but many have no idea that there are multiple types of diabetes. Type 2 diabetes is the type most people know about. Type 2 diabetes is a metabolic disorder that causes the body to not be able to make enough insulin to cover it’s needs or to not be able to use insulin efficiently (insulin resistance). Many people believe that type 2 diabetes is the patients fault, that they brought it on by eating a bad diet and/or not exercising enough. Although these things can put a person at higher risk of developing type 2, they are not the cause. Anyone can develop type 2 diabetes, even the healthiest lifestyles and most fit individuals can get type 2 diabetes. Type 2 is NOT curable, once you have it you have it for life. Yes, you can get it under such good control that you no longer have symptoms and your blood glucose level is controlled, but that is all it is, controlled, not cured. As soon as you slack off your hard work to control it you will be sorely reminded that the diabetes is still there.

Another common type of diabetes is prenatal diabetes. The only type of diabetes that is curable is prenatal diabetes. The only people who get prenatal diabetes are pregnant women. The diabetes usually goes away shortly after the pregnancy ends. Women who have prenatal diabetes are at higher risk of developing type 2 diabetes later.

Other types of diabetes are Maturity Onset Diabetes of the Young (MODY), Latent Autoimmune Diabetes in Adults (LADA), Type 3c Diabetes, Steroid induced diabetes, Cystic Fibrosis Diabetes, Wolfram Syndrome, Alstrom Syndrome…. These are all subtypes of Type 1 and 2 Diabetes.

Then there is my type of diabetes, Type 1. T1D is an autoimmune disorder. In T1D the pancreas is not able to produce insulin. Since you know that insulin is a hormone the human body naturally produces, you can then understand that insulin is not a medicine. And seeing as you know in a T1D the body is not able to produce this hormone (not medicine) insulin whenever it is needed, that insulin injections are a therapy, NOT a cure.

T1D’s must inject or infuse insulin either several times a day (insulin injections) or 24/7 (insulin pump), we must also keep a very close eye on our blood glucose level. We do this by finger pricks and a continuous glucose monitor.

OK, guys it’s hitting me now. I really do not care to continue having to be all comprehensive and use my brain. It might explode.

*giggles*

The reality of being T1D is that it sucks, I fucking hate it. I hate having to think and remember and keep vigilant…*stop to yell at dogs to stop pissing each other off* and …and…*read sentence over a million times because I keep getting distracted*…I just hate it, I’d like to not to have to be forever worried, forever aware of things healthy (normal) people (ableds)….

You know I have been thinking a lot about wheather or not T1D is a disability. Like, the definition of disability is to not be able to…the human body/mind not able to do the job a human body/mind is supposed to. OK, my pancreas can’t do one thing it is supposed to be able to do. So, scientifically I do have a disabiliy…I am disabled.

BUT, this disability my body has does not make me unable to do anything an able body can. So, even if I am scientifically disabled, I am not LEGALLY disabled.

So be aware of your technicalities.

UGH, there I go thinking again. I want to turn my brain off for a bit.

*giggles*

Sleepy…

So many thoughts changing around in my mind…

*giggles*

*giggles*

I’m narrating again.

*giggles*

*giggles*

Everything is is so funny!!!

*giggles*

Narrating again.

“giggles*

This is going to become a cycle…

*giggles*

This is all so funny!!!

*giggles*

*go play with Tindi (dog)*

*come back*

“I’ve gotta…I’m supposed to be typeing”…

Use brain…/

Thinking hard…

“Thinking is difficult”

*giggle*

have trouble typeing…have trouble working fingers…coordination…

have trouble spelling…\

not thnking straight…

not seeing straight…

*giggles*

sleepy

dizzy…

sleepy

maybe I’ll just go to bed…after I type this

Hubby says from the other room “Who would reject Chongus?”

I giggle, this’ll be funny when I read this tomorrow.

not thinking straight

*giggles*

confused

dizzy

sleepy

ringing in ears

*giggles*

gonna have anxiety reading this sectioon tomorrow.

what’s wrong with me…oh, no…fuck not an anxiety high!!!!!

*giggles*

*laughs*

*giggles*

*snorts*

*goes on a laughing binge attack*

*giggles*

*laughs*

Damn, I have so much fun with these “writing while high” exeercises

“You OK, hun?” -hubby

*laughing*

waver at him while giggling

*giggle* I give up it’s getting hard to think to keep laughing

typeing *laugh*

You guys are missing so much I cant remeber to type

I just confused you

I’m confused

*giggling all the time*

…..

*giggle*

confused

happy but confused

LOL

*snort*

*giggle*

I feel like I’m playing a game

*giggle*

I love this

so happy

I gotta go pee

(gets up)

I just typed it calm

nope not

I’m gonna write about this later…

Next Day: I fell into a very bad high. I was very high and I was falling through eternity again. I have come to realize that my experiences with falling through eternity are most adequately explained this way, imagine having dejavu every split second, over and over again.

Hubby had my hands on his face rubbing his whiskers.

“This is real. You are here, this is real.”

“I know, OK, this is real. IT’s not real. Right here, right here.”

Time would go by slow, then jump ahead. I just knew I was going insane. I would laugh, I couldn’t get out an entire sentence before my thoughts would shift.

I would feel like I was coming out of it, but then I would shift back to narrating and then fall back into falling through eternity again.

Eventually I passed out for a couple hours, then woke up for a bit I don’t remember well. Finally I fell asleep for 20 hours straight and now here I am.

The interesting thing about bad highs is that you are terrified in the moment, but when you sober up you look back and it was actually fun. That’s IMO.

Political Anxiety

For many more people than in years past anxiety grows stronger as the election nears. As today is the day before the election I find I have a headache from all the jaw clenching. My mind has been loopy and sleep patterns are bad again. Also, when anxiety is high, depression grows as well.

I see pro Trump posts by people I love and, after all this time, I still can not fathom how they think Trump is a successful president…. or even a remotely good person.

Are they really that blind to what is right before their eyes? Trump’s not even trying to hide his evil ways! Are they willfully ignorant or truly ignorant? Or, -I sincerely hope not- are they as evil as he is?

If I weren’t an atheist I would be shouting from the rooftops how very much he matches the profile for the Antichrist.

I wonder how many Trump supporters are only still supporting him because they are too proud and/or ashamed to admit they were so very wrong. In this, I beg you, please, please swallow your pride and vote for Biden!

Speaking of Biden, no, he is not perfect, but in a two party system he is the only choice if you want a much, much safer, happier, and healthier United States of America.

At least he is human…

Enough with the politics and back to my politics induced high anxiety. I have had a few strange and disturbing anxiety dreams the past few days. Although my anxiety is caused by the looming possible destruction of all things good I know in my country because a person (Trump), who more than likely has narcissistic personality disorder as well as antisocial personality disorder that are not controlled, is trying to literally steal the election by a number of different illegal means, my dreams have not been political, but more about my feelings of loss of control and rejection or unrequited love.

Dream 1 – *Warning, this dream is of a very sexual nature* Hubby and I were arguing about our relationship (in real life we have a very good relationship but my mental monsters always tell me he doesn’t really want me, I am not loveable. So I often have to get reassurance and fight the lies in my head). I ask him if he wants me. I ask him why we don’t have sex very often. He gives me cookie-cutter responses which only frustrate me more and make me think he is lying and really doesn’t love me. Finally he says, “Hey, look at that guy over there.” I look. “Yeah, what about him?”.

“Do you think he’s good looking?” Hubby asks.

I think maybe he is trying to lead into telling me the problem is his self-esteem and has nothing to do with me. “I guess.” I reply, still not sure what this has to do with the conversation.

The man has been watching us and smiles at me and now walks over. “Hi.” He says. I instantly can sense that he is a nice person.

Hubby smiles and asks both of us, “Do you want to have a threesome?”

“Sure.” The guy replies.

I am aroused and nervous and insecure about the idea. “Sure”, I reply genuinely into the idea despite the feelings.

*Side note. In real life I am the one who has tentatively brought up the idea of threesomes or an open relationship. Hubby does not like the idea at all and we have never gone beyond the “How would you feel about…?” point. I am perfectly fine either way.*

We go to a place that has an orgy getting started. I am a bit surprised, I thought it was just going to be the three of us at home. There are at least five other people besides the three of us.

Everyone gets naked, Hubby, the guy, and I start out together but I soon become frustrated, angry, and crushed by the fact that this threesome is much more of a twosome and I feel very much like a third wheel.

At some pont the guy is no longer in the room, I am sitting in a cushioned chair feeling like a wallflower. A young, very attractive woman starts to come on to Hubby. I can feel the heat of jealousy and pressure of heartache in my cheeks and chest. They kiss and I think of how much he loves to kiss and how much I loath it (I really do not like mouth to mouth kissing, no idea why). I think that it is things like this that turn him off of me. I am the reason he doesn’t want me. Tears stream down my face.

He begins to give her oral pleasure and I just can’t stand seeing this. She looks over to me, smiles, and motions me to come over to them. I do. This time she gets all the fun from Hubby and I, and I am not feeling anything but slightly aroused and emotionally negative. I know it is the jealousy mostly, and the jealousy is fed by my insecurity… but I don’t let myself realize that at this moment.

I walk away, again, and watch Hubby be very social and having a good time. A man approaches me and gently caresses my shoulder. He tells me something about me having a beautifully curvy body. We go at it and eventually I realize I am feeling the pleasure, very aroused, but I just can’t seem to climax. At some point I look over to Hubby who is watching us and although his expression is slightly positive I can see the hurt and anger he is hiding.

I suddenly realize he is all I want, he is all I need, and he values me.

Dream 2 – I am in my first year of college, still living at home with Mom and one of my brothers. I have not been going to classes and Mom is getting on me about it. I feel lost, depressed, anxious. I have no idea what the future holds or how I will support myself, what I want to do for a living. I really feel like I am sinking in my classes, not able to keep up with all the work, and I hate going to school.

My brother says something like, “It’s not that hard, just do it, get through it and then do what you want.” I want to smack him upside the head. None of what he just said is true and I hate him for being successful and making it look so easy.

I get in my little red Suzuki Swift and drive off, intending to go to class but as I head that direction my chest grows tight, I feel sick to my stomach, and I feel like I am going to have an anxiety attack. I pull into a McDonald’s parking lot and sit there bawling my eyes out and feeling like a huge failure.

Dream 3 – I find out I am pregnant and I am scared out of my mind. I drill into Hubby to not tell anyone at all. With my health issues this pregnancy is super high risk and if I have a miscarriage I would rather no one have known anything. I think about my option to have an abortion but I just can’t bring myself to do that. Yes, there could be serious, permanent problems with the health of the baby. But the baby could also be perfectly healthy. I think about all the possibilities and scenarios. I am driven to the brink of an anxiety attack.

The baby is born through C-section because it is so big (due to insulin therapy for my Type 1 Diabetes). It is a boy and he has Down’s Syndrome but is otherwise healthy. We take him home.

Here is to fighting for the next four years to be safer, happier, and healthier than the last four years. VOTE!!!

Something Slightly Related

First off, for some added information and context I recommend reading another post of mine, if you haven’t already, before reading this one. Click on the link. Something Slightly Related to Quarantine

I decided to write this post mainly because I promised one of my brothers I would explain to him the depth and details of my family issues (I’m sure you didn’t skip the post I asked you to read first for more detail and context, it really will help you to understand this post). I also decided to write it for my own therapeutic value. And, as my regular readers already know, I choose to bare my soul to the world via this blog to reach out to others going through similar or the same mental health and physical health issues I am, so we all can understand that we are not alone; and that chronic illness and mental illness are not to be shamed or stigmatized. We are stronger for our struggles, not less because of them. And, lastly, because it is easier, and better, I think to write to an unknown audience rather than speaking directly to my family members about this. Speaking directly to my family would mean having to use words such as “you” which can unintentionally bring up feelings of blame and defensiveness, which I completely do not intend to do here. I do not blame, fault, or feel harmed in any way toward or by my family.

No, I am not ashamed to let you all know I have family issues, virtually everybody does. Family is hard game.

Before I actually dive in, I must point out that by no means do I intend to be rude, mean, or anything malicious toward my family. This is an unavoidably emotional topic and, sadly, mostly negative emotions, so I can not avoid pain and heartache, I am sorry. I love my family, but love doesn’t erase pain here in reality; here in reality love tends to amplify pain. We wouldn’t hurt nearly as deeply if the pain came from someone we don’t care about.

Obviously this is all being told solely from my point of view and personal experience. I am sure some of the things I say here about how I feel and why, etc., will be all new information for my family. My siblings, I think, do not realize how little they actually know me. I have always felt that they do not value me and have little to no interest in really knowing me and have taken little effort to know me. I am not being cruel, this is my experience, but mostly just my feelings and intrusive thoughts (at least I hope so). Part of my mental illness includes self-loathing, self-harm, and unwanted intrusive thoughts: “I’m not worth loving.”, “No one cares about me.”, “No one wants me around.”, “I’d be better off dead.”.

Try living with those thoughts and beliefs in your head nearly 24/7 since virtually the day you were born.

I spend everyday in complete fear that I will be misunderstood. It has happened to me many, many times and lead to hurt and anger to all parties involved. There are two types of misunderstood I mean here. 1.) Someone just taking something I said in a way I did not intend. And 2.) The worse one for me. No one ever understanding me, at least not at the depth or level I need them to. I’ve spent my life feeling like a stranger in my own family. It seems they all either just can’t fathom who I am, or they just don’t even try to.

Again, no cruel speak here, The rational me knows these thoughts and feelings are untrue. But the monsters in my head beat into me that those thoughts are true.

Another reason I feel like a stranger among my family is that most of my family members are extremely opposite to me. They are conservative republican, christian, heterosexual. I am liberal democrat, atheist, bisexual. These are not the only differences that make waves, but the ones that tend to make the noisiest waves.

Growing up, sometimes I would be told straight forward that I was in the wrong for believing something I believed. But most of the time I felt like I was a bad person, or dumb, because I felt, believed or was something my family thought poorly about. I would hear conversations, comments, etc., on these topics.

When I was young I just stayed quiet about my differences. My family is the type of family (as many are) that dealt with conflict by avoidance. Just don’t talk about it, don’t acknowledge it, ignore it. Don’t make waves. So I did just that, I stayed quiet.

This is probably why I never felt known or truly seen in my family.

I even took it a step farther for most of my childhood. I tried to be what they were. I tried to think like they thought, believe what they believed. I wanted to be “good”. I love them and I wanted to get along with my family, be comfortable with them, and accepted by them.

That didn’t work out. I ended up with worse depression, anxiety, and impostor syndrome, and I’m sure all of this fed my rebellious nature that I had already developed due to my type 1 diabetes diagnosis (whole ‘nother story there). Of course, as a child I had no idea I suffered from any of these conditions, I just thought it was the way things were. This was life. No one in my family thought anything about my mental health, mental health was treated the same way as conflict, an avoided topic.

All throughout my twenties I slowly realized what individuality was, and that there wasn’t anything wrong with the real me, I am just different from my family, a different mindset, different values (not totally, but enough), I’m different from them in many ways and it doesn’t make me a bad or wrong person. They are each their own, and I am me. I stopped trying to be what I am not. But I didn’t stop being quiet around them, I still felt a sort of shame and wrongness about myself when I was around them; only when I was around them. I continued to feel like a stranger in my family. I continued to think they had no interest in knowing the real me.

In my early thirties I started to be much more comfortable with the real me. I was completely open and honest with my friends and acquaintances, and it felt super nice, it felt so right. And I was completely accepted, comforted, and even celebrated by them. And I happily returned the favor. With my family I started to slowly relax my quietness about myself. I felt no need for ceremony or “coming out” or anything like that, my attitude was more of a “when it happens it happens” kind of thinking.

From my early twenties through to now (cough, 41) I have kept my family at a distance, except for my mom, I could never live without my mommy nearby to see or to talk to. I rarely talk to her about avoided “conflict” subjects, I’m scared to death to hurt my mother. But the rest of the family I keep at a distance, I could only handle occasional and short interactions with them. My explanation for doing this summed up is because while visiting with family I am glad to see them, glad to be with them, I love them dearly, but soon the talk begins to smack of our differences. I see, hear, and am reminded of how much I do not fit in with these people. My feelings of strangeness, black sheepness, and the totally untrue shamefulness of me grow and grow. I feel tired and drained and I just want to go home to my safe place. Although I mostly have a wonderful time with my family, I almost always come home depressed, anxious, guilty, and terribly frustrated. All-in-all this keeping them at a distance and only interacting once in a while worked just fine for me for twenty years.

Now, however, with all the very loud, in-your-face political frustration going on, and the pandemic, and the racial inequality issues, and the LGBTQ issues all raging and raging and raging, My family issues have been stinging me right and left. I know my family has had no problems on their end, because they have each other and share mostly all the same beliefs and stances. I am over here standing alone among my family. It quickly begins to feel like me against all of them. I’ve never felt like I was against my family, just different from them, but now, with so many immensely important issues and choices we all have to face and make very soon if not right now, I can’t help but feel like it is me against them.

I profoundly dislike feeling this way.

So, over the past several months I have been feeling more and more extreme depression, anxiety, and frustration when I interact with my family members. It’s draining me and hurting me very, very much.

The other day it came to a head and I had an epiphany. I can’t stay quiet anymore. If I keep biting my tongue around my family I will end up biting it off. Considering they don’t want to hear my “shit”, and this is all tearing me to bits from the inside out, I decided to cut ties with many of them.

It’s broken my heart to do so, but another thing I’ve finally gotten through my head recently is that I am by no means required to harm, hide, or change myself for other people, no matter how much I love them. I am learning how, and starting, to put my needs and health first.

You may recall in the other post related to this one (the one I strongly recommended you read first) that I said I love my family and would never give them up. I do not want to give up my family, I truly hope this cutting of ties is not permanent. Maybe the work I am doing in therapy will heal me enough to ask to interact with them again. I love them dearly and already miss them.

On a last note, my intrusive thoughts are screaming that my family is very happy I have cut ties, they feel they can now relax and be truly happy without my shitty ass around to fuck up their good time.

Agoraquaraphobiantine

I know it’s selfish, but I hope the quarantine lasts as long as possible. I hope the government does not rush to end it for the sake of the economy or any other reason.

Why do I say “I know it’s selfish”? Because my reasons for not wanting the quarantine to end are not all about “us” and more about me; specifically my agoraphobia.

I have been told by more than one person lately that they hope this quarantine doesn’t set back my progress. My mom told me over the phone the other day, “I hope all of this doesn’t mess up your condition. When this is over you make sure to get out, don’t be staying home, you hear”.

I’m feeling different these days. Before the quarantine agoraphobia made me anxious about going out in the world, so I stayed home. Being at home relieved my anxiety, I felt safe and comfortable. Since the quarantine began I am happy and more comfortable than ever. I feel the same things as before, but now I don’t have to feel guilt, now I am justified (in society’s eyes) in staying home. And having everybody else doing it, too, feels good.

The funny thing is that now most people are getting a good taste of what it is like to be agoraphobic. Everytime they think of going out or have to go out, they are flooded with anxiety. “If I go out there something bad will happen.” (Catch covid-19). “It’s scary out there, I could die!” 3ubs66

The rational side of me wants this quarantine to end, covid-19 to have never come to be. All those lost lives to still be here with their loved ones. All the fear and uncertainty to disappear, and life to go back to what it was.

But agoraphobia is perfectly happy to have the quarantine part of all of this stay just as it is.

My biggest fear right now is that the quarantine will end and I will be forced to go out there. I don’t want to go out there. I feel so ill equipped to participate in the world. I feel so fragile.

I think an equal, or even bigger fear of mine is that the quarantine will end and everybody will go back to their lives and I’ll still be stuck here. Stuck, realizing I’m the only one not moving forward.

How Many Years Did Last Night Last?

The other night I mistakenly ingested way too much marijuana. I do not partake very often since I have only ever had one pleasant high. I have tested, researched, mixed, and messed around with the plant in many different ways, shapes, and forms over many years, and have yet to find a beneficial and even remotely good high. I am beginning to think I just can’t partake. It just doesn’t work for me. I am maybe too sensitive? I simply react adversely to weed.

Someone gave me part of a white chocolate bar. I was told it contained a total of 40mg of THC. I was told it should be a nice high, make me relaxed and happy. 40mg is kind of a high dose for me but not outrageous, I thought.

Oh, boy, I should have only eaten half.

It took a while, as edibles do, but I finally started to feel it. I felt a bit drunk at first; light headed, everything out of focus visually, almost tunnel vision, I felt super relaxed, light, and euphoria was setting it.

“I am really liking this strain, remember it, it’s the only one that’s worked for me.” I mentioned to my hubby.

I lay there, reclined in my seat, no need or desire to move. I felt good. One of my cats made her way onto my chest and lay there, purring loudly. I began to pet her and was surprised at how very soft she was. I just had to keep petting her, feeling her soft, soft, silky fur.

It’s just so friggin soft! I love it. I love her so much!!!!!

I realized that, somewhere far away, so so far away, I was feeling stiff and sore. I hadn’t moved even slightly for a while and my body was getting achy. But I couldn’t really feel it, but I knew. I wasn’t sure if I could get up, but I tried and made it to an upright sitting position.

I thought I should probably lay down, I was tired and relaxed. But I didn’t want to lay down because I wouldn’t be able to get back up. I decided to lay in bed.

I lay down, feeling a bit dizzy, but instead of things going round, they were going back and forth. I relaxed into it and decided just to enjoy the high. But then I began to realize my senses were all messed up. I was experiencing thought as temperature, sound as color, touch as emotion. It was all so tripy and kind of fun.

Hubby came into the room to check on me. I was laughing so hard I was crying. I tried to explain to him how my senses were all messed up, but it’s OK. I rambled about how much it hurt to be happy.

“Why does happiness hurt so much? Why does being happy hurt so bad?”

I laughed so hard as I rambled on about how messed up it all was. “The chaos is beautiful! It’s all so terrifyingly beautiful!”

Hubby rubbed my arm and back gently, agreeing with my nonsensical ranting. Telling me to just relax and go to sleep. I calmed a bit and tried to relax enough to sleep.

I felt separate from myself, like there were two or more of me, like I was split but still one. I was having an in-body out of body experience. That’s the best I describe the sensation.

A bit later I found myself falling, falling into eternity. Every time I brought myself back to the moment it would all start over and I would be going round and round, falling in a never-ending loop of eternity. It wouldn’t stop. Stars and worlds and all of the universe, all of eternity, I just feel and fell and fell through it all, over and over and over.

Nothing matters because eternity is a never ending loop. Nothing is new, nothing is old, nothing is unique because everyone and everything has all been before and will be a billion times over, for eternity. I just kept going round and round, falling forever and ever. I would find myself again, in my bed, in my room, focusing on the corner of my dresser.

OK, I’m here, just hold it here, stop the loop, do something different. But nothing I tried helped, because everything has already happened before and will happen again. It’s all a circle of eternity!

I was truly frightened I was trapped in this forever and I would just keep feeling that falling for ever and ever!

I finally got up from the bed. I was super unsteady but I needed to keep moving and find my soberness. I walked out into the living room and hubby asked me how I was feeling.

“Never….never again…” I managed as I grabbed a bottled water. I was so super thirsty. Super dry mouth. I found myself worried about my blood glucose level. These symptoms, the lightheadedness, the weakness, the blurry head and eyes. I felt almost like I was having a low blood glucose.

I knew I was just having a bad trip, I knew I had just had too much pot. Nothing is wrong, nothing bad will happen, just ride it out.

I walked over to hubby and asked him if I was OK. We embraced. He told me I would be ok. I explained to him the whole falling through eternity thing.

“I just needed to get up and come out here. I just needed to find you because you’re safe, you’re my safe place.”

“You’re OK.”

I was on the edge of a panic attack. My mind was racing with fears. Am I dying? Will I be stuck in this insanity forever? What if this never stops? What if I killed someone and don’t remember it because I’m so high?….. Down the rabbit hole.

“Swear to me, swear to me I will never do this again.” I told hubby. I just can’t handle the 420, my body and mind do not react well at all.

At some point, I do not remember what point, I was having auditory hallucinations. I heard music when there was none, I heard voices, I heard so many things that were not there.

Time had been and was still inching by. A minute felt like hours. I would have moments of clarity and always say: “Every time I think I’m coming down, it comes over me again.” This went on and on for a while.

I sat on the couch for a while, drinking my water, and wishing this trip was over. I eventually decided to go back to the bed, but I hesitated because I didn’t want eternity to start up again.

I began to think of ways to kill myself. I have no idea where these thoughts came from, but there I was thinking them. I wasn’t even thinking of the fact that I am not suicidal, I was not questioning these thoughts at all, I was simply caught up with how I might do it. If I took a ton of pills, which of my pills would work best? What if I just take them all, every single pill in my house. That would certainly do it.

It was when hubby turned the TV back on and I began to experience deja vu (I never don’t get deja vu when I partake of the grass) that I got up to go to bed.

“What time is it?” I asked

“10:06.”

“Geez, it feels like it should be at least 3 or 4 in the morning.” I stumbled my way to the bed.

I lay in bed, frightened. The eternity trip started up all over again. “I’m going to be stuck like this forever”, was my last thought before I fell asleep.

From the moment I ate the candy to the moment I fell asleep was little more than 3 hours.

Tell Me How You Really Feel

Since November 2019 I have been working especially hard on overcoming Social Anxiety and Agoraphobia, as well as the depression that comes with it.

All three of these illnesses have been super overwhelming and crippling ever since August 2019. I have been isolating, suffering a myriad of symptoms including both insomnia and hypersomnia, dissociation, and a strange inability to differentiate between dreams and reality (probably part of the dissociation). I had to quit my awesome job because of anxiety and not being able to leave my house. These are just the main symptoms I have to deal with daily, there are plenty of others that pop up here and there as well.

Needless to say, these illnesses have cost me a lot and have been an immense struggle to bring under control. I have yet to get enough control to live effectively.

I have been seeing a therapist once a month. I am on depression meds and anxiety meds. And I am attending a Dialectical Behavior Training (DBT) class once a week. I also have wonderful, essential, and indispensable support from my hubby, mother, and friends.

With all of these tools I have been able, slowly but surely, to make positive progress. In February I suddenly felt a large lift in depression. I felt good, I felt almost normal. My anxiety lifted noticeably as well, although not nearly as much as the depression. The only thing left unchanged was the agoraphobia. I still couldn’t leave my house more than twice in one week.

Normally in DBT class I do not actively participate in discussion. I listen, I study, but I do not talk. The past two weeks, with the improvements I felt in the depression and anxiety, I found myself participating in those class discussions. Everyone in class noticed and gave me positive reinforcement. You see, they are there for very similar reasons to me, they understand the struggle and they celebrate the accomplishments of others.

*Side note here. DBT class comes with homework. I always do the homework. And the point of DBT is to teach skills to help overcome anxiety and other issues and meet crisis with effective tools. The point is to use the tools that we learn in class in our lives. I have been using them, practicing, and trying to improve.

It is a lot of really hard work.*

Last week I came home from DBT class with the discussion on my mind. It kept rolling around in my thoughts because it was so close to me, my struggle, and my desire to help others. I have always wanted to be there for others in any way that I can. My social anxiety and agoraphobia have greatly affected my ability to do so. I decided to give myself an exercise to help me be more social and be able to be there for my friends as I’ve always wanted to be. So I posted the following on my Facebook.

“In DBT class today one thing we talked about is the importance of having someone you can talk to who wont judge you. Someone who will listen, validate, and empathize.

If you don’t have someone like that, just know I am here to listen.”

The post got many likes, loves, and positive comments.

Then one person posted something I didn’t quite understand, so I asked for clarification. The thread of hurtful posts and responses that followed from this person were a shock to both me and many of my friends who saw them as well. This person is close to me, we love each other.

Yes, my Facebook is private, only people on my friends list can see and post.

I couldn’t understand why this person was being so cruel. Why try to ruin my efforts to help both myself and others? I was trying to do something good and this person was tearing it all down. Why?!

We had a back and forth right there on my Facebook thread. We also had a back and forth through text, and that is where this person completely ripped my heart out and crushed it to smithereens.

It was very hurtful to do what they did on my post. But it was a million times worse to say what they said in text.

They told me I was more or less a cry baby, “Oh, poor me” about my physical and mental health struggles. They said all I wanted was sympathy and attention, etc.

I write this blog, and am such an open and honest book, in all places of my life, about my physical and mental health struggles for two reasons, and two reasons only.

1. Education – People who do not have to live day in and day out with any kind of chronic illness (and some who do have chronic illness) tend to not understand at all what it means to live this way. They tend to make assumptions that are totally wrong. They are ignorant to what these illnesses are, who the people that live with them are, and what it all means. I write my blog and live as an open book in order to reach out with information and education to these people. Ignorance tends to breed teasing, bullying, cruelty, heartlessness, etc.

2. Reaching out to others who struggle – I write this blog and live as an open book because I want to let others who struggle with chronic illnesses understand they are not alone. There are many, many of us out here and we understand what you are going through and we want to be there for you. You are not alone!

One of my biggest fears since I decided to open up and be an open book about all of my struggles is that people would misinterpret it as a cry for attention and sympathy, and a “Oh, woes me.” attitude of unhappiness.

I do not want attention like that, I never ask for sympathy, and I am not unhappy at all. I have major physical health issues, and I struggle with mental health, but I accept it all, this is my life and I make the best of it. I am happy despite it.

So, hopefully you can understand how the text from this person completely crushed me.

It hurt me so badly that all my hard work over the past several months was demolished, all my progress set back completely. I tried not to let it, but it did. Depression is raging out of control, anxiety so high I am having nightmares, and agoraphobia so bad even the simple thought of going onto the front porch to get the mail is frightening.

It is a huge setback, but I will get back to where I was, and I will continue to improve. I just keep trying.

Yes, I told them how they’d hurt me. I also told them I am cutting off correspondence with them until which time they can acknowledge what they’ve done and bring themselves to apologize. Is that too much to ask?

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can kill.

Another Tony dream, With Misha and Jensen, Too!

Last night I had a dream so vivid, so lengthy, so meaningful, and so good that I just have to tell you about it.

I was at Reedley College walking to class. My mind was full of both important and unimportant thoughts. My head was down but my peripheral was keen, acute, and aware, as it always is due to my agoraphobia. I was aware of the crowds of people in the college quad, the disturbingly loud sounds of talking, laughing, yelling, footsteps, machinery, music, and all other common noise of crowded places. Despite my hyper awareness, I did not notice his approach from behind until he put a hand on my shoulder and greeted me.

“Congratulations, Tamra!” He said with a smile.

I immediately tensed at the touch, even more than I already was, and looked up to see Misha Collins. I was shocked and instantly shook to the core with fear, shame, and embarrassment.

*I have to step away from the actual dream here for just a moment and explain something to you. In real life I am riddled with social anxiety and a profound self-loathing. So, although I have my celebrity crushes, and people whom I greatly admire for their good works (like Misha), I would never want to meet them because I am convinced that I am not worth a thing, I am terrible, ugly, unlikable, utterly unworthy and plain pure shit. Add to that the fact that social anxiety makes me completely awkward and confused in the moment. In reality these thoughts and feelings are mixed with normal thoughts and feelings and so a bit muted but not ineffective on me. In my dream, however, they were pure and loud, extra strong.

Back to the dream:

“For what?” I managed to say after a moment.

“You won the drawing to spend a day with me giving you acting lessons. C’mon, let’s get started.” Misha responded. He gently put a hand on my back and we walked to the campus theater.

I was very quiet, scared out of my mind, but I kept thinking to myself, I need to get it together, this is a great thing, this is Misha Collins, calm down and enjoy it!

By time we got to the theater I was loosening up. Misha had been talking the entire time and I was trying to chat back and seem like a normal human being. But now I felt better. We spent a couple of hours talking, laughing, and I learned a lot about acting. Despite the enjoyment, I was constantly hounded by negative thoughts.

“You’re fucking this up.”, “He thinks you’re stupid.”, “You’re being too weird.”, etc.

Lunch time came around and Misha had to take care of some things so the plan was to meet back at the theater after lunch. My plan, of course, was to go find my hubby and friends and tell them about this awesomeness! I began the walk to the quad.

*Another step away from dreamworld for a moment. I often have extremely vivid dreams, mix that with my mental illness and it causes me to sometimes not be able to determine the difference between dream and reality. The one good thing (usually) is that I am a lucid dreamer.

Back to dreamland:

As I walked toward the quad I became aware that I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming or if this was real. I knew I needed to test my reality. I could feel the weather, chilly early February as it should be, and the foliage matched the season. Lighting and atmosphere were as they should be. I turned my attention to myself, I was walking and the terrain felt as it should, I stepped from the sidewalk to the grass and felt the trip I had over a tree root. This all seems like reality to me, I’m not dreaming? Then I realized. I’m walking across Reedley College campus and I am not having trouble walking, I am feeling no pain. I should be in agony and having to take frequent rests. I am dreaming.

OK, I am dreaming. I like this dream so I am going to release lucidity and let it roll on it’s own. Let’s see where this goes.

As I was walking past the the final stretch of classrooms before reaching the quad someone called out my name and wrapped his arm over my shoulders in a gentle half hug.

“Hey, Tamra, how’s it going?”

I immediately realized I didn’t feel as scared with Jensen Ackles as I did with Misha. I thought to myself that this dream was getting silly now, first I meet Misha and now Jensen? c’mon… wait, wait a minute! Pause the dream, I’m still partially lucid, I need to turn it off and just roll with this.

“Hi, what are you doing here?” I ask nervously. In the back of my mind I’m thinking how tall all the Supernatural guys are. Jensen towers over me. And, damn is he somthin’ to look at!

“I’m here with Misha, giving my own acting lessons to a lucky winner.” He winks at me. “Hey, you see those two guys over there?” He points to two men walking together into one of the class rooms. One guy holds the door open and lets the other walk through first.

“Yeah.” I nod.

“Last year I was here and I introduced them.” He smiled. “Now they’re engaged, ain’t that somthin’.” Jensen grins big.

“That’s pretty cool.” I smile, still wondering how Jensen even knows me, but I’m not going to complain.

“So, McDonald’s?” He says as he glances around.

“OK, then, enjoy your lunch.” I smile and walk off. I catch in my peripheral Jensen looking confused. It dawns on me that he was asking me to join him for lunch. Instead of stopping and turning back i just keep walking, feeling like a stupid idiot and missing out on lunch with Jensen Ackles due to embarrassment.

I’m so fucking dumb. I think to myself.

Finally I make it to the quad. It is drowning in tables and chairs, every single one of them with a person sitting in it. Some people are also sitting on the tables with their feet in a chair, laughing and talking with other’s sharing the table. There are also plenty of people standing and walking around. I don’t want to be here, my anxiety is screaming at full force, my fight or flight response wants me to flight, flight really far, like all the way home and lock the door behind me. I push the feeling down and look for Hubby and friends.

I quickly find them sitting at a table eating lunch. I walk over excitedly and as I stand before them I hop up and down, giddy.

“You guys! I have something so amazing to tell you!”

They ask me what’s up.

I relay my story to them in animated detail. They listen, one or two jumping in with a little story or tidbit of their own, one or two asking questions. When all is said and done, they are happy for me, but I feel like their reactions lack as much positivity and excitement as I would have thought. Do they, my friends, not realize how much this means to me? Are they not happy for me?

Lunch break is almost over and I begin my walk back to the theater. I think to myself that this is Reedley College. I attended Reedley many moons ago, like nearly 20 years has passed since I set foot on these grounds. This dream must be taking place in the past. Maybe it’s not a dream, maybe I’ve gone to the past. But, the whole Misha and Jensen thing… and the only friend that was sitting at the lunch table that attended Reedley with me was Hubby. Maybe dreams aren’t unreal, maybe dreams take us to another dimension…and this one, this dimension is in the past as well?

If that’s true… my heart begins to speed up. If that’s true then I can warn Tony! Tony should be here, I can find him and warn him about his heart! But if this is another dimension, and as I’ve already seen, things are different, maybe Tony in this dimension has a healthy heart.

I need to warn him anyway. I have to try.

I begin my search for Tony at the quad, most of the friggin campus were still there. I find him hanging out at a table with several friends. He is the center of attention, telling stories and joking…that laugh, I haven’t heard that laugh in so long. I stop for just a second several feet away and watch him, tears well in my eyes as I hold back a sob. He looks like the Tony from back then, long hair and all.

I run up to him in a near panic. “Tony, Tony, I have something very important to tell you!”

“Hey, Tamra, what’s wrong?”

“I have to tell you something, it’s going to sound crazy but it’s not, it’s real…”

“Oh, OK, what is it, tell me.” He already looks skeptical though he’s trying to hide it with his real concern.

I begin with my theory of dreams and dimensions. I realize I should have just skipped that. Then I tell him the warning. “You’re going to die in December of 2018. You’re going to have a heart attack….”

His face says it all, he doesn’t believe me, he’s concerned for my sanity. “Tam, it’s OK, you don’t have to worry about me, I’ll be fine…”

“No, you have to believe me…” I sob. “I miss you, we all lose you! Lee is torn up, your mom and Mona. Tony! Bri, your wife, you can’t leave her like this!..”

I notice at this moment standing a few feet to the left of Tony is… Tony. I look at him for a moment in confusion. What is this? This Tony has short hair, is thinner, and has a wizened look to his face and eyes. He’s looking directly at me, nobody seems to notice him but me. This must be Tony from my dimension. What is he doing here, and, he’s dead. What’s going on?

I decide to ignore him for the moment and continue to try to save this dimension’s Tony.

“You can’t leave us! You have to try to save your heart…”

Tony wasn’t having any of it, he tries his best to be calm and kind. He laughs it off. “Really, I’m fine, everything is going to be OK, Tam.” He walks away with the crowd as everyone goes back to classes.

The other Tony, my Tony, is still standing there, looking at me.

I sob, my heart broken and breaking some more. I want to tell him I’m sorry but I can’t speak.