Last night I had a dream so vivid, so lengthy, so meaningful, and so good that I just have to tell you about it.
I was at Reedley College walking to class. My mind was full of both important and unimportant thoughts. My head was down but my peripheral was keen, acute, and aware, as it always is due to my agoraphobia. I was aware of the crowds of people in the college quad, the disturbingly loud sounds of talking, laughing, yelling, footsteps, machinery, music, and all other common noise of crowded places. Despite my hyper awareness, I did not notice his approach from behind until he put a hand on my shoulder and greeted me.
“Congratulations, Tamra!” He said with a smile.
I immediately tensed at the touch, even more than I already was, and looked up to see Misha Collins. I was shocked and instantly shook to the core with fear, shame, and embarrassment.
*I have to step away from the actual dream here for just a moment and explain something to you. In real life I am riddled with social anxiety and a profound self-loathing. So, although I have my celebrity crushes, and people whom I greatly admire for their good works (like Misha), I would never want to meet them because I am convinced that I am not worth a thing, I am terrible, ugly, unlikable, utterly unworthy and plain pure shit. Add to that the fact that social anxiety makes me completely awkward and confused in the moment. In reality these thoughts and feelings are mixed with normal thoughts and feelings and so a bit muted but not ineffective on me. In my dream, however, they were pure and loud, extra strong.
Back to the dream:
“For what?” I managed to say after a moment.
“You won the drawing to spend a day with me giving you acting lessons. C’mon, let’s get started.” Misha responded. He gently put a hand on my back and we walked to the campus theater.
I was very quiet, scared out of my mind, but I kept thinking to myself, I need to get it together, this is a great thing, this is Misha Collins, calm down and enjoy it!
By time we got to the theater I was loosening up. Misha had been talking the entire time and I was trying to chat back and seem like a normal human being. But now I felt better. We spent a couple of hours talking, laughing, and I learned a lot about acting. Despite the enjoyment, I was constantly hounded by negative thoughts.
“You’re fucking this up.”, “He thinks you’re stupid.”, “You’re being too weird.”, etc.
Lunch time came around and Misha had to take care of some things so the plan was to meet back at the theater after lunch. My plan, of course, was to go find my hubby and friends and tell them about this awesomeness! I began the walk to the quad.
*Another step away from dreamworld for a moment. I often have extremely vivid dreams, mix that with my mental illness and it causes me to sometimes not be able to determine the difference between dream and reality. The one good thing (usually) is that I am a lucid dreamer.
Back to dreamland:
As I walked toward the quad I became aware that I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming or if this was real. I knew I needed to test my reality. I could feel the weather, chilly early February as it should be, and the foliage matched the season. Lighting and atmosphere were as they should be. I turned my attention to myself, I was walking and the terrain felt as it should, I stepped from the sidewalk to the grass and felt the trip I had over a tree root. This all seems like reality to me, I’m not dreaming? Then I realized. I’m walking across Reedley College campus and I am not having trouble walking, I am feeling no pain. I should be in agony and having to take frequent rests. I am dreaming.
OK, I am dreaming. I like this dream so I am going to release lucidity and let it roll on it’s own. Let’s see where this goes.
As I was walking past the the final stretch of classrooms before reaching the quad someone called out my name and wrapped his arm over my shoulders in a gentle half hug.
“Hey, Tamra, how’s it going?”
I immediately realized I didn’t feel as scared with Jensen Ackles as I did with Misha. I thought to myself that this dream was getting silly now, first I meet Misha and now Jensen? c’mon… wait, wait a minute! Pause the dream, I’m still partially lucid, I need to turn it off and just roll with this.
“Hi, what are you doing here?” I ask nervously. In the back of my mind I’m thinking how tall all the Supernatural guys are. Jensen towers over me. And, damn is he somthin’ to look at!
“I’m here with Misha, giving my own acting lessons to a lucky winner.” He winks at me. “Hey, you see those two guys over there?” He points to two men walking together into one of the class rooms. One guy holds the door open and lets the other walk through first.
“Yeah.” I nod.
“Last year I was here and I introduced them.” He smiled. “Now they’re engaged, ain’t that somthin’.” Jensen grins big.
“That’s pretty cool.” I smile, still wondering how Jensen even knows me, but I’m not going to complain.
“So, McDonald’s?” He says as he glances around.
“OK, then, enjoy your lunch.” I smile and walk off. I catch in my peripheral Jensen looking confused. It dawns on me that he was asking me to join him for lunch. Instead of stopping and turning back i just keep walking, feeling like a stupid idiot and missing out on lunch with Jensen Ackles due to embarrassment.
I’m so fucking dumb. I think to myself.
Finally I make it to the quad. It is drowning in tables and chairs, every single one of them with a person sitting in it. Some people are also sitting on the tables with their feet in a chair, laughing and talking with other’s sharing the table. There are also plenty of people standing and walking around. I don’t want to be here, my anxiety is screaming at full force, my fight or flight response wants me to flight, flight really far, like all the way home and lock the door behind me. I push the feeling down and look for Hubby and friends.
I quickly find them sitting at a table eating lunch. I walk over excitedly and as I stand before them I hop up and down, giddy.
“You guys! I have something so amazing to tell you!”
They ask me what’s up.
I relay my story to them in animated detail. They listen, one or two jumping in with a little story or tidbit of their own, one or two asking questions. When all is said and done, they are happy for me, but I feel like their reactions lack as much positivity and excitement as I would have thought. Do they, my friends, not realize how much this means to me? Are they not happy for me?
Lunch break is almost over and I begin my walk back to the theater. I think to myself that this is Reedley College. I attended Reedley many moons ago, like nearly 20 years has passed since I set foot on these grounds. This dream must be taking place in the past. Maybe it’s not a dream, maybe I’ve gone to the past. But, the whole Misha and Jensen thing… and the only friend that was sitting at the lunch table that attended Reedley with me was Hubby. Maybe dreams aren’t unreal, maybe dreams take us to another dimension…and this one, this dimension is in the past as well?
If that’s true… my heart begins to speed up. If that’s true then I can warn Tony! Tony should be here, I can find him and warn him about his heart! But if this is another dimension, and as I’ve already seen, things are different, maybe Tony in this dimension has a healthy heart.
I need to warn him anyway. I have to try.
I begin my search for Tony at the quad, most of the friggin campus were still there. I find him hanging out at a table with several friends. He is the center of attention, telling stories and joking…that laugh, I haven’t heard that laugh in so long. I stop for just a second several feet away and watch him, tears well in my eyes as I hold back a sob. He looks like the Tony from back then, long hair and all.
I run up to him in a near panic. “Tony, Tony, I have something very important to tell you!”
“Hey, Tamra, what’s wrong?”
“I have to tell you something, it’s going to sound crazy but it’s not, it’s real…”
“Oh, OK, what is it, tell me.” He already looks skeptical though he’s trying to hide it with his real concern.
I begin with my theory of dreams and dimensions. I realize I should have just skipped that. Then I tell him the warning. “You’re going to die in December of 2018. You’re going to have a heart attack….”
His face says it all, he doesn’t believe me, he’s concerned for my sanity. “Tam, it’s OK, you don’t have to worry about me, I’ll be fine…”
“No, you have to believe me…” I sob. “I miss you, we all lose you! Lee is torn up, your mom and Mona. Tony! Bri, your wife, you can’t leave her like this!..”
I notice at this moment standing a few feet to the left of Tony is… Tony. I look at him for a moment in confusion. What is this? This Tony has short hair, is thinner, and has a wizened look to his face and eyes. He’s looking directly at me, nobody seems to notice him but me. This must be Tony from my dimension. What is he doing here, and, he’s dead. What’s going on?
I decide to ignore him for the moment and continue to try to save this dimension’s Tony.
“You can’t leave us! You have to try to save your heart…”
Tony wasn’t having any of it, he tries his best to be calm and kind. He laughs it off. “Really, I’m fine, everything is going to be OK, Tam.” He walks away with the crowd as everyone goes back to classes.
The other Tony, my Tony, is still standing there, looking at me.
I sob, my heart broken and breaking some more. I want to tell him I’m sorry but I can’t speak.