I ate some gummies a few minutes ago. The special kind of gummies. although the ones I just ate are a hybrid strain, I totally prefer straight sativa. I like the head high more than the body high. I like communing with the universe, yo.
I have been mulling over the idea of writing while high just to see what comes of it. I have been wanting to do it for a while now but the last several times I got high I was hit with a heavy sleepiness and/or lethargy, and/or I was crossfaded. Anyway, I just didn’t write.
This time, though, I planned ahead, ate the gummies mid-day instead of evening, and sat my butt in front of my computer before the high hit.
As my regular readers know, I never edit my posts, I write and then hit “publish”, no editing. I do this because I like to stay raw, true… and I think it holds my emotion and thought process so readers can, hopefully, feel like this is an in person talk rather than a stranger reading a stranger’s drivel.
Oh, OK, I think it’s starting to hit.
I am ready to go.
I have decided my prompt for this experiment is going to be discussing a certain fantasy I have had since I hit puberty, I have had the same base for the fantasy that long, but over the years the players, setting, and circumstances have changed. Why do I have this fantasy? What caused it? It’s so different from who I am and want to be, so, why have it?
The fantasy always consists of me (but what I think of as beautiful, attractive, very feminine, etc.) and a “hero” or two or three, usually a man/men, a crisis, a battle, and me and the hero becoming buds.
I am an intelligent, strong, perfectly capable woman who just so happens to have gotten into a lot of trouble. Hero (s) comes along a helps me out of the imminent danger and then we partner up and fight battles together.
OK, that’s just the most recent incarnation of this fantasy. There have been many incarnations over the years. When I first started having the fantasy I was very much a damsel in distress and there was one “Hero” and he was my dream guy. At the time my dream guy was dark haired, brown skinned, slender but tone athletic build, average height, kind, strong, leader…. you know, a Hero.
Yeah, a very common fantasy for girls. A very common fantasy due to societal and religeous inffluences teaching girls they need a hero, they need to be taken care of, protected. They need a man.
I was caught in that world growing up. And because I was also struggling with my life and drowning in feelings of loss, helplessness, uselessness… I totally fell for the hero idea, someone to come save me and make everything allright forever.
My religious upbringing had a lot to do with it as well. religion is very much a psychological safety blanket. We feel lost – no one feels like they got it all together all the time- we have that fantasy of being saved; the church comes along and offers us a savior, but our minds don’t think of a soul savior, but a letteral person who comes along and fixes our life and is our sugar daddy for life. Hell yeah, I will hold that fantasy in the back of my mind while I follow this God dude as my security blanket, he will save my soul, keep me “safe” not just right now but for all eternity.
I fell for that gobblety gook, too. It felt safe…but it wasn’t real, it was just a coping mechanism for life.
As I got older the fantasy would take on a romantic and even sexual context. Now my hero is someone I fall in love with… and have sex with.
More comfort, more security. In all aspects of life, I am brought safety and comfort.
Throughout this time the hero was always a man, and I was always helpless and weak. And he always swooped in and took charge and rescued me.
As I matured, my view of the world expanded and changed. My idea of women needing help by men dissapeared, my veiw of gender rolls shrank and shivelled. My fantasy slowly and significantly changed. MY hero sometimes became a woman, sometimes multiplied, and ofted became characters from movies, shows, books, etc. Sometimes the hero was a villian I fought and overcame or befriended. Sometimes I was the villian who learns new ideas and values.
As I grew in knowledge and experience, and as I overcame my mental illnesses, my fantasy turned from me and my hero to me being the hero, to me becoming a member of a group of heroes who have saved each other and helped each other become their own hero and now fight together to save others.
I have no idea where I am going with all of this, LOL. I am having trouble concentrating right now. So, yeah, I have this fantasy, a lot of people have their own version of this same damned fantasy and it’s all because we were raised wrong.
Even our fantasies have mental illness!
But It’d OK, life is good. LOL, LOL, LOL>>>
Oh, I am having fun with this writing while hight thing.
Everything I write is so gotdamned funny! LOL!
OH, I am going to laugh so hard when I read this back later! LOL!
I am going to pee my pants! LOL!
Lee(from the other room): “Tamra, why are you crying?”
ME: “I’m not …*Sprshhshsh*… I’m trying not to laugh….*sshhshhshh*”
Lee: “OK…you have fun with that now…”
Still trying not to pee my pants…
Trying to get my thoughts together. Hard to concentrate.
A bit sleepy now. Edibles come in waves, especially when you have delayed stomach emptying. Hehe. So I’ll have moments like this where I am more clear headed, then moments of total high where I laugh so hard I almost wet myself. Then less high, then high high again, and back and forth for a bit until the high fades all together.
Singing – “I want yoooouuu, you know what I meaaan….”
Lee’s talking to his gaming friends about me being “So super high right now…”
I love hearing him laughing with his friends. It’s been a long time.
My little butthole (my dog Tindi) is over here wanting to play with me… I just spelled ‘here’ ‘hear’ and I corrected the error but it just hit me as so damned funny! That type of error is hilarious! but what makes us make that error? the ideas are separate in our minds, but the spelling and idea get lost on the way from the mind to the fingers.
I keep stopping typing so I can giggle, concentrate on giggling. LOL
Lee – “Tamra, you still alive?!”
ME- *giggle* “yeaaaahhh” *giggle*
Lee- “OK” , to his buddies, “She’s still alive”.
It just took me sooooooo long to type that.
That word is so expressionate. That’s, like, exactly what you do when you giggle. expressionate, I am laughing so hard at how I spelled that. I’m not even gonna correct it so y’all can see it and laugh, too.
One thing I’m not typing down for you is the constant negative narrative I have going on at the same time as my hillarious shit. As I type something hillarious, my negative mind is telling me you all are not entertained. That I am dumb and this blog post is terrible, meaningless, and brings no good to this world because I bring no good to this world, I never have and never will. I’ll go to my death never having made one person truly smile or truly better. My bone shall chill in the fires of hell.
And on the outside I am laughing and feeling oh, so happy. LOL *big smile*
You know the constant alert beeps on your phone? I know I can turn off notifications, but subconsiously I leave it on because I need to feel a contextion to other human beings. I need to be loved,
“I diserve to be loved!”
My #SPNFamily will get that quote. LOL
I’m so tired. Sleepy.
Yeah, I just did that…I can hardly believe I cold handle it. LOL
Gonna go get somthing to drink. Dry mouth. From high, not high.
LOL, my #T1D peeps will laugh at that. LOL
Lee to his gamer buddies – “LOL, Tamra walks and giggles into the room, walks between me and the TV, grabs a soda, turns to me and giggles, walks back into the room.”
LOL “Lee, is Tindi outside?!”
Oh, wait, I didn’t say that outloud.
But, really? Is Tindi outside?
I went to let Tindi back in. One the way back remebered Lee got beef jerky.
“Didn’t you get beef jerky?”
“Where is it?”
Lee hands it to me.
“Egh, it’s the sticks…” I say, then shrug and tke the jerky with me, “I’m high…”
These are gross, but they’re fine when ur high.
Couldn’t find the meme I was looking for but this one gets the point.
Yeah, this was a jump back to the “high, not high” comment. #T1D.
Awe, the high is starting to die. 😦
This was fun, maybe I’ll start a series of writings while high.
So, I hope you learned a lot about why I have such a common fantasy.
Ba-dum, tiss. G’night all!