Do you ever get hit with fresh trauma that sends you into flashbacks of the same trauma that happened years ago?
That feeling of your mind both reeling and freezing up. The sense of heat rising in your skin as cold chills your bones. The instant dissociation in a subconscious attempt to protect your mind from this moment of horror.
It happened to me today. I came out of it and realized I had been sitting there, silently shedding tears for a couple minutes as I stared motionless into nothing.
The exact same thing that happened to me so many times as a child and teenager happened to me today. I thought I had escaped such shaming. I thought as an adult this kind of thing doesn’t happen.
I know you are wondering what it is that happened that could be so traumatizing. I wont say because to most other people it wouldn’t be traumatizing, it would only be annoying and trivial at most. But to me, and people like me, it is deeply traumatic, and fills us with a powerful shame we don’t deserve but have forced upon us anyway.
I will be fragile and withdrawn now for a while, having flashbacks to past trauma as well as replaying this current trauma incontrollably. Being full of shame, guilt, knowing I am a horrible, worthless, unlovable, subhuman piece of shit.