Category Archives: Writing

Resolve

OK, guys, this one is going to be a bit different from my normal Writing While High posts. I am going into this one already a bit happy. Coming down from a smoke out, and just now ate a few gummies. So we’ll see where this goes.

It is the new year, so why not make this Writing While High prompt, Resolutions.

I really didn’t have any resolutions this year. Due to COVID-19, Sheltering-in-Place, and all, I had already been well into a workout routine, food plan, better health care of myself, mental health working, etc… thing I just decided to do one day and, thanks to Mary Jane, I can actually focus on and have the motivation and do it.

I’ve been doing better and better since I started in November.

I do not put time limits on anything. My only goal is to do better than before. I know what my agreements are and I do them, no overthinking, no monsters in my head degrading my desires and work, no procrastination. No pain. No punishment.

And it is working.

I have already started working what would have been my other resolution as well. Our house needs a lot of repair. We’ve tried and tried to get enough money together to do a big fix. It never works out. I have slowly started doing little fix-em-up projects on my own. It really feels good to even get one small thing done yourself.

I have felt a growth of confidence within myself lately, I think it also can be attributed to the partakage of the Grass. It kills my anxiety, therefore it kills the Monsters in my head that tell me I suck, I’m worthless. Without those voices I find more courage to try things and actually work to improve my skills.

Also, anxiety and depression are draining in every way. So by taking the Herb and killing the anxiety and depression, I find myself with much more energy and willingness to get things done!

A lot has changed the past six months. I am almost like a whole new person.

So, no need for resolutions. Just keep doin’ what I do.

I am thinking about giving myself a mow-hawk. I really like the idea. I’ve always wanted one so it would not only be fun, awesome, and cool, but also a bucket-list item!

I do feel genuinely happy and free. Like the whole of eternity is at my fingertips and, within the realm of possibility, I can do anything I set my mind to.

And so I no longer worry about every little grain of sand, I know life isn’t great, it’s full of pain and suffering but….I’m cool with it.

I’m all good, yo.

Like, for real, gimme some munchies, a roof over my head, and the love of my loved ones, I’m all goood.

One good thing that has come out of this pandemic is that it has forced those of us with brains in our heads to slow down. Stop and smell the flowers.

Re-prioritize.

My mind is a blank tonight.

Really, I’m dull tonight. Except that my keys seem to be floating under my fingers.

*Giggles*

I just went on a laughing fit so long and hard I almost pee’d myself.

Writing While High 2

I did this once before a few weeks back, writing a blog post while high. My readers seemed to get a laugh out of it, and I got a lot of new followers, so I thought I’d make a regular run of it.

I Ate a couple of gummies a few minutes ago and I am now going to start my blog with a writing prompt. I chose Type 1 Diabetes as my prompt for tonight since the original reason I started this blog was to discuss my T1D and reach out to other diabetics and to teach those who don’t know T1D from a cup of sugar.

So, let us begin…

Most people know that diabetes exists, but many have no idea that there are multiple types of diabetes. Type 2 diabetes is the type most people know about. Type 2 diabetes is a metabolic disorder that causes the body to not be able to make enough insulin to cover it’s needs or to not be able to use insulin efficiently (insulin resistance). Many people believe that type 2 diabetes is the patients fault, that they brought it on by eating a bad diet and/or not exercising enough. Although these things can put a person at higher risk of developing type 2, they are not the cause. Anyone can develop type 2 diabetes, even the healthiest lifestyles and most fit individuals can get type 2 diabetes. Type 2 is NOT curable, once you have it you have it for life. Yes, you can get it under such good control that you no longer have symptoms and your blood glucose level is controlled, but that is all it is, controlled, not cured. As soon as you slack off your hard work to control it you will be sorely reminded that the diabetes is still there.

Another common type of diabetes is prenatal diabetes. The only type of diabetes that is curable is prenatal diabetes. The only people who get prenatal diabetes are pregnant women. The diabetes usually goes away shortly after the pregnancy ends. Women who have prenatal diabetes are at higher risk of developing type 2 diabetes later.

Other types of diabetes are Maturity Onset Diabetes of the Young (MODY), Latent Autoimmune Diabetes in Adults (LADA), Type 3c Diabetes, Steroid induced diabetes, Cystic Fibrosis Diabetes, Wolfram Syndrome, Alstrom Syndrome…. These are all subtypes of Type 1 and 2 Diabetes.

Then there is my type of diabetes, Type 1. T1D is an autoimmune disorder. In T1D the pancreas is not able to produce insulin. Since you know that insulin is a hormone the human body naturally produces, you can then understand that insulin is not a medicine. And seeing as you know in a T1D the body is not able to produce this hormone (not medicine) insulin whenever it is needed, that insulin injections are a therapy, NOT a cure.

T1D’s must inject or infuse insulin either several times a day (insulin injections) or 24/7 (insulin pump), we must also keep a very close eye on our blood glucose level. We do this by finger pricks and a continuous glucose monitor.

OK, guys it’s hitting me now. I really do not care to continue having to be all comprehensive and use my brain. It might explode.

*giggles*

The reality of being T1D is that it sucks, I fucking hate it. I hate having to think and remember and keep vigilant…*stop to yell at dogs to stop pissing each other off* and …and…*read sentence over a million times because I keep getting distracted*…I just hate it, I’d like to not to have to be forever worried, forever aware of things healthy (normal) people (ableds)….

You know I have been thinking a lot about wheather or not T1D is a disability. Like, the definition of disability is to not be able to…the human body/mind not able to do the job a human body/mind is supposed to. OK, my pancreas can’t do one thing it is supposed to be able to do. So, scientifically I do have a disabiliy…I am disabled.

BUT, this disability my body has does not make me unable to do anything an able body can. So, even if I am scientifically disabled, I am not LEGALLY disabled.

So be aware of your technicalities.

UGH, there I go thinking again. I want to turn my brain off for a bit.

*giggles*

Sleepy…

So many thoughts changing around in my mind…

*giggles*

*giggles*

I’m narrating again.

*giggles*

*giggles*

Everything is is so funny!!!

*giggles*

Narrating again.

“giggles*

This is going to become a cycle…

*giggles*

This is all so funny!!!

*giggles*

*go play with Tindi (dog)*

*come back*

“I’ve gotta…I’m supposed to be typeing”…

Use brain…/

Thinking hard…

“Thinking is difficult”

*giggle*

have trouble typeing…have trouble working fingers…coordination…

have trouble spelling…\

not thnking straight…

not seeing straight…

*giggles*

sleepy

dizzy…

sleepy

maybe I’ll just go to bed…after I type this

Hubby says from the other room “Who would reject Chongus?”

I giggle, this’ll be funny when I read this tomorrow.

not thinking straight

*giggles*

confused

dizzy

sleepy

ringing in ears

*giggles*

gonna have anxiety reading this sectioon tomorrow.

what’s wrong with me…oh, no…fuck not an anxiety high!!!!!

*giggles*

*laughs*

*giggles*

*snorts*

*goes on a laughing binge attack*

*giggles*

*laughs*

Damn, I have so much fun with these “writing while high” exeercises

“You OK, hun?” -hubby

*laughing*

waver at him while giggling

*giggle* I give up it’s getting hard to think to keep laughing

typeing *laugh*

You guys are missing so much I cant remeber to type

I just confused you

I’m confused

*giggling all the time*

…..

*giggle*

confused

happy but confused

LOL

*snort*

*giggle*

I feel like I’m playing a game

*giggle*

I love this

so happy

I gotta go pee

(gets up)

I just typed it calm

nope not

I’m gonna write about this later…

Next Day: I fell into a very bad high. I was very high and I was falling through eternity again. I have come to realize that my experiences with falling through eternity are most adequately explained this way, imagine having dejavu every split second, over and over again.

Hubby had my hands on his face rubbing his whiskers.

“This is real. You are here, this is real.”

“I know, OK, this is real. IT’s not real. Right here, right here.”

Time would go by slow, then jump ahead. I just knew I was going insane. I would laugh, I couldn’t get out an entire sentence before my thoughts would shift.

I would feel like I was coming out of it, but then I would shift back to narrating and then fall back into falling through eternity again.

Eventually I passed out for a couple hours, then woke up for a bit I don’t remember well. Finally I fell asleep for 20 hours straight and now here I am.

The interesting thing about bad highs is that you are terrified in the moment, but when you sober up you look back and it was actually fun. That’s IMO.

But Then I Got High

I ate some gummies a few minutes ago. The special kind of gummies. although the ones I just ate are a hybrid strain, I totally prefer straight sativa. I like the head high more than the body high. I like communing with the universe, yo.

I have been mulling over the idea of writing while high just to see what comes of it. I have been wanting to do it for a while now but the last several times I got high I was hit with a heavy sleepiness and/or lethargy, and/or I was crossfaded. Anyway, I just didn’t write.

This time, though, I planned ahead, ate the gummies mid-day instead of evening, and sat my butt in front of my computer before the high hit.

As my regular readers know, I never edit my posts, I write and then hit “publish”, no editing. I do this because I like to stay raw, true… and I think it holds my emotion and thought process so readers can, hopefully, feel like this is an in person talk rather than a stranger reading a stranger’s drivel.

Oh, OK, I think it’s starting to hit.

I am ready to go.

I have decided my prompt for this experiment is going to be discussing a certain fantasy I have had since I hit puberty, I have had the same base for the fantasy that long, but over the years the players, setting, and circumstances have changed. Why do I have this fantasy? What caused it? It’s so different from who I am and want to be, so, why have it?

The fantasy always consists of me (but what I think of as beautiful, attractive, very feminine, etc.) and a “hero” or two or three, usually a man/men, a crisis, a battle, and me and the hero becoming buds.

I am an intelligent, strong, perfectly capable woman who just so happens to have gotten into a lot of trouble. Hero (s) comes along a helps me out of the imminent danger and then we partner up and fight battles together.

OK, that’s just the most recent incarnation of this fantasy. There have been many incarnations over the years. When I first started having the fantasy I was very much a damsel in distress and there was one “Hero” and he was my dream guy. At the time my dream guy was dark haired, brown skinned, slender but tone athletic build, average height, kind, strong, leader…. you know, a Hero.

Yeah, a very common fantasy for girls. A very common fantasy due to societal and religeous inffluences teaching girls they need a hero, they need to be taken care of, protected. They need a man.

I was caught in that world growing up. And because I was also struggling with my life and drowning in feelings of loss, helplessness, uselessness… I totally fell for the hero idea, someone to come save me and make everything allright forever.

My religious upbringing had a lot to do with it as well. religion is very much a psychological safety blanket. We feel lost – no one feels like they got it all together all the time- we have that fantasy of being saved; the church comes along and offers us a savior, but our minds don’t think of a soul savior, but a letteral person who comes along and fixes our life and is our sugar daddy for life. Hell yeah, I will hold that fantasy in the back of my mind while I follow this God dude as my security blanket, he will save my soul, keep me “safe” not just right now but for all eternity.

I fell for that gobblety gook, too. It felt safe…but it wasn’t real, it was just a coping mechanism for life.

As I got older the fantasy would take on a romantic and even sexual context. Now my hero is someone I fall in love with… and have sex with.

More comfort, more security. In all aspects of life, I am brought safety and comfort.

Throughout this time the hero was always a man, and I was always helpless and weak. And he always swooped in and took charge and rescued me.

As I matured, my view of the world expanded and changed. My idea of women needing help by men dissapeared, my veiw of gender rolls shrank and shivelled. My fantasy slowly and significantly changed. MY hero sometimes became a woman, sometimes multiplied, and ofted became characters from movies, shows, books, etc. Sometimes the hero was a villian I fought and overcame or befriended. Sometimes I was the villian who learns new ideas and values.

As I grew in knowledge and experience, and as I overcame my mental illnesses, my fantasy turned from me and my hero to me being the hero, to me becoming a member of a group of heroes who have saved each other and helped each other become their own hero and now fight together to save others.

I have no idea where I am going with all of this, LOL. I am having trouble concentrating right now. So, yeah, I have this fantasy, a lot of people have their own version of this same damned fantasy and it’s all because we were raised wrong.

Even our fantasies have mental illness!

But It’d OK, life is good. LOL, LOL, LOL>>>

Oh, I am having fun with this writing while hight thing.

Everything I write is so gotdamned funny! LOL!

OH, I am going to laugh so hard when I read this back later! LOL!

I am going to pee my pants! LOL!

Lee(from the other room): “Tamra, why are you crying?”

ME: “I’m not …*Sprshhshsh*… I’m trying not to laugh….*sshhshhshh*”

Lee: “OK…you have fun with that now…”

Still trying not to pee my pants…

Giggling…

Trying to get my thoughts together. Hard to concentrate.

A bit sleepy now. Edibles come in waves, especially when you have delayed stomach emptying. Hehe. So I’ll have moments like this where I am more clear headed, then moments of total high where I laugh so hard I almost wet myself. Then less high, then high high again, and back and forth for a bit until the high fades all together.

Singing – “I want yoooouuu, you know what I meaaan….”

Hmmhmmm…

Lee’s talking to his gaming friends about me being “So super high right now…”

LOL

I love hearing him laughing with his friends. It’s been a long time.

My little butthole (my dog Tindi) is over here wanting to play with me… I just spelled ‘here’ ‘hear’ and I corrected the error but it just hit me as so damned funny! That type of error is hilarious! but what makes us make that error? the ideas are separate in our minds, but the spelling and idea get lost on the way from the mind to the fingers.

I keep stopping typing so I can giggle, concentrate on giggling. LOL

Lee – “Tamra, you still alive?!”

ME- *giggle* “yeaaaahhh” *giggle*

Lee- “OK” , to his buddies, “She’s still alive”.

It just took me sooooooo long to type that.

Giggling.

That word is so expressionate. That’s, like, exactly what you do when you giggle. expressionate, I am laughing so hard at how I spelled that. I’m not even gonna correct it so y’all can see it and laugh, too.

One thing I’m not typing down for you is the constant negative narrative I have going on at the same time as my hillarious shit. As I type something hillarious, my negative mind is telling me you all are not entertained. That I am dumb and this blog post is terrible, meaningless, and brings no good to this world because I bring no good to this world, I never have and never will. I’ll go to my death never having made one person truly smile or truly better. My bone shall chill in the fires of hell.

And on the outside I am laughing and feeling oh, so happy. LOL *big smile*

You know the constant alert beeps on your phone? I know I can turn off notifications, but subconsiously I leave it on because I need to feel a contextion to other human beings. I need to be loved,

“I diserve to be loved!”

My #SPNFamily will get that quote. LOL

I’m so tired. Sleepy.

Yeah, I just did that…I can hardly believe I cold handle it. LOL

Gonna go get somthing to drink. Dry mouth. From high, not high.

LOL, my #T1D peeps will laugh at that. LOL

Lee to his gamer buddies – “LOL, Tamra walks and giggles into the room, walks between me and the TV, grabs a soda, turns to me and giggles, walks back into the room.”

LOL “Lee, is Tindi outside?!”

Oh, wait, I didn’t say that outloud.

ROFLMAO

But, really? Is Tindi outside?

LOL

I went to let Tindi back in. One the way back remebered Lee got beef jerky.

“Didn’t you get beef jerky?”

“Yeah.”

“Where is it?”

Lee hands it to me.

“Egh, it’s the sticks…” I say, then shrug and tke the jerky with me, “I’m high…”

These are gross, but they’re fine when ur high.

Couldn’t find the meme I was looking for but this one gets the point.

Yeah, this was a jump back to the “high, not high” comment. #T1D.

Awe, the high is starting to die. 😦

This was fun, maybe I’ll start a series of writings while high.

So, I hope you learned a lot about why I have such a common fantasy.

Ba-dum, tiss. G’night all!

Paradox of Suicide

*Explanation: I am toying with an idea for what I think will end up being a short story. This is an excerpt from my very rough draft. Thoughts? *

With the thought of what One should say when One writes their suicide note; what should One say? What, in actuality, is the point of the note? To explain why? To try to make them understand? To say goodbye?

To whom? Who would read the note? One is unloved, unwanted.  One is worthless, ugly. One can never do anything right. One has failed at everything and will fail at this as well. One cannot live right, and One will not die right, either.  No One wants to read One’s note because no One cares, everyone will be happy to be rid of that worthless burden.

But One would digress to say such things. The note is not for others as much as it is for One. But One could not write a note to One’s self because One has never lived with One’s self in mind… One has loathed One’s self more than anyone else could ever loathe One. One’s self-destruction did not begin recently; it has been in existence as long as One has existed. One has always lived with others in mind. One has not loved One’s self, but One has loved all others beyond reason.

So One must write the note with others in mind, even if they do not care. Even though they do not love One.

One would begin by letting the others know that they hold no burden of fault in this; it is all One’s fault. One knows that One is loved, One knows that others care. But One can never believe it. What One knows to be true One cannot believe. This is One’s mind.

If other’s that care were to actually exist, they would want to understand why. And this One could try with all One’s power to explain, but One would know for certain that they won’t, they can’t, fathom the depths of torture One’s mind has forever wreaked upon One.

No matter what One knows to be utter truth, One’s mind has cemented other certainties that can never be torn down. “It is impossible for anyone to love you. You are not worth loving.” “You are disgusting, ugly, repulsive.” “You are good at nothing, you are worthless. You fail at everything and you will never be good enough.” “You are not worth the air you breathe. You are a waste of space.” “Nobody wants you around; you should leave, just disappear.” “Even your own body is trying to kill you, let it!”

On and on they speak with authority. One’s mind is never quiet from them. One’s mind cannot escape itself. One fights it. One screams for it to shut the fuck up. One cries.

One has lived with this One’s entire life.

One is tired. One is done.

If One understands even One thing, it is that the others who would read the note would feel compelled to comment. “You are loved.” “You do matter.” “Think happy thoughts.” “Just ignore it.” “Pray, have faith in God.” “Let him and God will heal you.” “Get some therapy.” “Go on medication.”

And with these comments and many, many others like them One would be utterly certain that One failed at getting others to understand. Just like One fails at everything in life.

Their comments and suggestions would simply make it all worse. Do they not realize One has done all of that? One has tried everything to make it go away, to make it better, to fix One’s self. If it were so easy as thinking it away or having faith, it would have been gone forever ago!

One is alone, even when others are around; especially when others are around.

So, One thinks of death. There is nothing once life has ended. Nothing.  Total nothingness. That sounds comforting to One. No noise, no feeling, no weight. Nothing. This sounds like heaven to One.

But One does not go to the nothingness because One knows for certain that One fails at everything. This means One will fail at suicide as well. And that failure is unacceptable.

One fails at life, and One fails at death as well.

 

Health Dwellers

Why do I post the posts I post?

Most diabetics dwell a lot on their health.  Why wouldn’t we?  We have to monitor our health so closely…ALL the time!  And those of us who have diabetes related complications and/or multiple health issues have all the more reason to be health dwellers.

So it is no surprise that many of us are obsessed with diabetes/ healthy eating/ exercise/ wellness topics, etc.  and we post a lot of these things on our Facebooks, Tumblrs, Twitters, blogs, Google+’s.

WHY?

I can’t speak for all diabetics, but most of us:

We don’t want pity.

We don’t want personal attention. Yes, sometimes we do want suggestions or answers to questions. We do appreciate them a lot!

We are not whining and complaining about anything.

We are not intending to be pessimistic.

We are not exaggerating or making things up.

We ARE trying to help other type I’s to understand that they are not alone in their struggle.  There are so many other type I’s out here who feel the same way you do.  We are scared, frustrated, feel like we’re failing. We know how daunting and difficult it is.  We can help each other, we can sympathize and empathize.  We can share our experiences and knowledge. And we can share the triumphs, joy, and good times as well!  www.TuDiabetes.org

When I post via my blog site, I am trying to help non-diabetics understand the day-to-day life of a type I.  So many people live in ignorance and assume that what they see on T.V. and read in magazines is how it really is.  So many people want to think that it’s “not that bad”.

I know I can be blunt, I know I can sound negative.  That’s just who I am.  I am not afraid to point out and talk about the depressing, angry, dark, and sad side of things.  I have never been a “flowers and puppy dogs” kind of person, and I’m just fine with that.

I am happy despite the things I write about.  Writing is my way of decompressing, getting it all out, blowing off steam.  Yes, I am going through a lot of bad health issues, but I am still happy.

My writing is personal.  As it should be.  I may be writing to help others, but it’s help through personal experience…so it is personal!  This doesn’t mean I am asking for others to feel bad for me; I am not trying to be an attention monger, either.  The only attention I want is the attention to diabetes…attention to why it is important to take care of yourself.

I know I am not the best writer and sometimes, perhaps, it gets lost as to the reasons I post what I post.  But I  do try to keep improving my writing.

Diabetes is an all consuming disease.  Even when we try to not think about it, it is there and it can seep through and come out in just about everything we do.

So this is why I post so many diabetes related things.  It’s for educational purposes, it’s for “reaching out” purposes, and it’s because it is what’s on my mind most of the time.

Stephen King says to “write about what you know.”  I know diabetes!  I know health issues!  I know me!  So these are what I write about.