Being Valued

It’s funny how you can be feeling one way for a while and even be convinced this bad feeling just might last forever. Then a perfect stranger comes into your path and changes everything with just one short conversation.

Today this happened to me.

I went in for my regular monthly B12 injection. When I was called in I made note that the regular nurse who does my shot was not there, a new nurse had taken her place.

This new nurse liked to talk.

“You are diabetic?”

“Yes, type I.”

She prepared the injection as we chatted.

“When were you diagnosed?”

“1987.”

“Oh, wow.” She responded while she injected the B12.

The injection was now done and I was ready to get up and go. I’m not much for chit-chat, and most nurses are very busy and rushed. But she kept talking.

“How is your diet? What do you eat and how do you prepare your food?”

I was a bit confused by her wanting to discuss my diabetes and diet, but I am always willing to talk to those who are truly curious and want to understand. I had a feeling she was one of these type and wasn’t being judgemental or anything negative.

“I try to stick to as low carb a diet as possible. I’m far from perfect, but I try.”

“What do you eat? Mostly vegetables?”

“A lot of veggies, and protein.”

“Protein, like meat? What kinds of meat?”

“A lot of chicken, and I like fish.”

“I ask because I was recently diagnosed with diabetes. I struggle so much with my diet.”

“It’s really tough. There’s a really good book called Dr. Bernstein’s Diabetes Solution. He teaches all about type 1 and type 2 diabetes and teaches how to eat low carb to control blood sugar.”

“Oh!” She seemed to take mental note of the book. “It’s really hard, I do good during the week, but when the weekend comes, gah!”

“Yeah, it’s difficult, but as long as you try and don’t give up, over time you’ll get used to it. It’s a lot of will power. Just keep trying.” I smiled.

The conversation came to an end and we went our separate ways. As I walked out of the building I thought of how good it feels to be valued for information and suggestions. I could have talked all day with her and given her a treasure trove of education and tips, but, alas, there’s never enough time.

 

🙂

Thoughts in a Day of a Diabetic

“When you think all is forsaken
Listen to me now (all is not forsaken)
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness can show you the light”

I often wonder if the way I physically feel throughout the day. Or just certain things I feel for whatever reason (if I even know the reason) are ever felt by non-diabetics.

Do I “feel” normal?…

I’m such a slave to diabetes. Never free to be me…

Other than physical, I also fluctuate in emotional and psychological thoughts and feelings.  There’s no question that many more people than will admit to it suffer the same way.

I’m not the only person who self-loathes, who feels broken.

Would I think differently of myself if I had not become a type 1 diabetic?

We all change in many ways as we grow older, some grow and become smarter, better, stronger.  Some get stuck in the past, dwell on the wrong things, and end up broken and beaten.

But the good thing is, we can keep changing. We can improve no matter what.

I may be “sick” but that doesn’t mean I have to hate it.

But how do I stop hating it? How can I be OK with something that’s trying to kill me?

Diabetes drives me insane…

It’s taken over my body. It’s killing me. I’m afraid. I’m pissed. I’m tired…

I don’t know how much longer I can keep mustering strength I used up years ago.

All of this has made my anxiety so bad that I have become agoraphobic. I rarely leave my house anymore.

Diabetes has beaten me. It hurts on so many levels. Diabetes is such a bitch!

Diabetes needs to die. Just go away. Fuck off! Leave me be!

I suppose I can keep trying. I’ll beat you one day, diabetes!

Disturbed – Down With The Sickness

 

And then there’s the other side of thought:

How would we know goodness without evil?

How would we know health without sickness?

How would we know love without hate?

How could we be grateful or happy if first we did not experience hardship and sadness?

How can we be strong if we don’t understand what it is to be weak?

How can we learn perseverance if we do not experience failure?

Do not let fear overtake you; do not let it make you turn away from the joy you could win with hard work.

“When you think all is forsaken
Listen to me now (all is not forsaken)
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness can show you the light”

Yes, diabetes is a horrible bastard. But don’t look at the evil it brings, but the lessons you can take from it. Only you can overcome your disease, only you can control it. Keep trying.

Be strong. It is within our darkest hours that we find our energy, our perseverance, our resolve.

Disturbed -The Light

Anxiety vs. Anxiety

I was settling into my chosen as- comfortably- far- away- from -the- world- as- I- can- get- in- public booth at a popular fast food restaurant. I had just begun to stuff my fries (I know, potatoes are the worst food on earth for a diabetic) into my face-hole when suddenly to my left the worst thing that could happen to a person with social anxiety happened.

“Can I sit with you?” The voice came strong and fast.

I was caught off guard. Was this stranger speaking to me? OMG, did she just say what I think she said? The restaurant had like ten quadrillion empty tables, why sit with me? I was confused and instantly flooded with anxiety. I didn’t have time to think, I just reacted.

I smiled politely and with a polite tone the word just came out of my mouth as if I just opened the gate and it fell out like the awkward dunce I feel like when I have to talk to anyone.

“Why?”

“I don’t like to sit alone. I feel weird eating alone.” She replied in that same fast, clipped tone.

Still stunned and profoundly uncomfortable, my childhood training and nature of compassion took over. I don’t even think I was in any control of my mouth and voice.

“Sure, go ahead.” I even nodded and motioned to the seat across from me! Gah!!!

…The once gloriously empty seat across from me was now sullied by the warm booty of a strange woman.

And she’s looking at me!!!!

OMG! Save me! I can’t do this, I can’t handle this thing!…this….socializing!

I smiled nervously. My eyes darted every which way but at her. I looked out the window…she looked out the window. I looked over to the service counter…she looked over to the service counter.

I couldn’t bring myself to look at her and she seemed to be a bit confused by this. Then…

WTF?! She’s taking her shoes off!

And then…

“I’m going to take some of your fries.” She said.

Again she spoke fast; and this time she kind of mumbled so I didn’t catch what she had said right away.

I smiled like an idiot.

“Just kidding, you know I don’t like fries.” She said with a slight giggle.

Is she talking to me?

Then she opened her food bag and pulled out a cheeseburger. Next, she went through her pockets carefully pulling out each item and laying it on the table in front of her.

A Raiders game ticket, old and kind of crumpled. She smoothed it out.

A credit card shaped card with the Raiders logo on the front and a game calendar printed on the back.

“Nice.” I said, not having the slightest idea of how to react or of what was going on.

Two one dollar bills and two quarters.

And lastly a small white piece of paper. I couldn’t tell exactly what it was.

Then she touched each item with her index finger, stacked them all carefully, and then put each item back exactly where it had come from in her pockets.

All the while she was mumbling, rocking back and forth a bit, and sometimes looking around and nodding her head.

Is this woman on drugs?!

Then she unwrapped her cheeseburger, flattened out the wrapper and then promptly shoved the entire burger in her mouth.

She smiled, now avoiding my eyes.

She looked like a squirrel with a mouthful of nuts.

I nervously looked around as if someone was going to magically come rescue me. Instead I said the first thing that came to my mind.

“It’s kind of busy in here today.” This, of course, couldn’t have been farther from the truth. But I suppose I thought it because my social anxiety was exploding through the roof at this moment.

GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!

She finished her burger and reached into her bag and pulled out another.

Oh, God…

Then she repeated the entire scenario from the top. Remove items from pockets, set on table, touch each one with finger, stack, put back in pockets.

Unwrap burger, flatten out wrapper, stuff entire burger in mouth.

I concentrated on finishing my fries…and sent my hubby a short text about the current happenings in my whereabouts.

“Change seats.” He responded.

Oh, if it were only that easy for an anxiety riddled person! The thoughts going through my mind as I thought of getting up and changing seats mostly consisted of this woman taking the action as some kind of betrayal and pulling out a shiv and promptly gutting me.

I stayed…profoundly uncomfortable…jumble-minded…feeling very awkward…and a bit scared.

As she finished chewing the last of her burger – somehow managing not to choke on it- she gathered up her things and nodded at me as she smiled and rolled her eyes.

She left.

As I watched her get on the bus just outside I felt a profound sense of relief.

What the heck was all that about?!

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks…and my relief transformed into guilt.

Thinking back over what just happened I realized that she wasn’t some psycho druggy, or crazy person who could attack me at any moment and is not in touch with reality.

The poor girl just wanted to sit with someone because she is fully aware that she has OCD, talks to herself…and has some…quirks…

“I don’t like to sit alone. I feel weird eating alone.”

She just wanted to look like she was talking to someone, hanging with a friend. Instead of being stared at and judged poorly for talking to herself and being a ‘weirdo’.

I felt so bad. My social awkwardness and anxiety probably made her think just what I felt.

Afraid, uncomfortable, awkward, confused…

I didn’t truly feel these things toward her…not most of them at least…I felt them because I just can’t function well in face-to-face social situations. The  social anxiety takes control of me, just like her OCD anxiety controls her.

I truly hope I didn’t ruin her day.

See, people?! This is exactly why I don’t leave my house!

 

 

Me: A Positive

There once was a little girl who was happy, active, – albeit a bit prone to anxiety-, but smart…and even a bit cute. Most people would describe her as “a sweet little quiet girl”.

f3805-20b

She was the youngest of seven children and fit in that big happy family just perfectly. The little girl’s family wasn’t perfect (what family is?); there was a sickness that chose random victims. The disease was incurable, scary, and made life harder. It was called type 1 diabetes. The little girl’s father, brother, aunt, and two cousins had it.

And one day she got it, too.

She was scared, she had to learn to live differently, more carefully. She had to learn to take shots and prick her finger several times a day.

She really didn’t like this disease. She was mad and sad.

But, she had her big ol’ family to help her. They were all there in one way or another. They taught her, guided her, disciplined her when she did something “bad”. They let her cry on their shoulder, praised her when she did good. They were a good, loving, caring family.

18b

She still struggled, but no matter what, she always knew she wasn’t alone. Even though she made some bad choices, she always knew she was loved and cared about no matter what.

And that is why she kept trying.

There were a few things this disease did that actually helped her in life. It made her learn to be independent and stronger. It made her not afraid of needles and pain. It taught her how to accept what can’t be changed and to be happy anyway.

It taught her that sometimes even when you do everything right, things just don’t work out how you planned.

It taught her to keep trying and persevere.

me

Resolve For 2017

With each new year the majority of human beings decide to go the optimistic route and view the new year as an opportunity for new beginnings, or as an encouragement to improve themselves.

But most of us fail at new beginnings or improvements. Things go well for a few weeks at best, but then we fall back into our old ways. Unhealthy habits we sport a love/hate relationship with and can never seem to overcome.

We may not like it, but we are comfortable with it. It is familiar. Most of these bad habits are pacifiers for our stress and pains. And we just can’t seem to replace them with healthier pacifiers.

And we lack motivation to keep up with new healthy habits. I want to work out several days a week, but I just can’t find a good enough motivator to keep me going. Wanting to do it isn’t enough. Knowing the benefits of it isn’t enough. Screaming at myself to get off my ass just isn’t enough!

I want to eat healthy. I really, really want to eat healthy. I don’t keep any unhealthy food in my house. But…it’s just so much damn easier to go through a drive-thru on the way home from work. Everywhere we look there are ads for this or that unhealthy, heavenly delicious, this or that.

We only have so much will power. We can only resist for so long. We only have so much energy.

Is it better to just forego the resolutions and spare ourselves the disappointment?

I say no! I say make those resolutions! Give it your best shot! If you fail then get up and start again.

Not trying is the only true failure!

Make your resolution realistic. Keep it small and reachable. Do it in steps instead of all at once. Don’t expect miracles and instant results.

Just try your best.

And celebrate even the smallest of victories!

Panic! At The Disco: Victorious

2016 FU

So many people are talking about how glad they are that this year is ending. Oh, how terrible it has been, how bad it has beaten us all down, and how wonderful it will be to kill it dead and move on to a, hopefully, better year.

What has made 2016 such a bad year?

The most horrible, racist, bigoted, idiot of a human being getting elected president of the United States. Might as well flush this nation down the toilet now.

Then there are the one after another deaths of great performers, authors, athletes, etc.. Why couldn’t more really bad people die? Why so many good ones?

Then there were all the natural disasters around the globe, as well as the ongoing wars and evil and tragedy that is always around.

Then, of course, each of us individuals had our own close to home heartaches. Family deaths, money troubles, relationship issues, job issues, health issues, and on and on and on.

There are no promises that 2017 will be any better. For me I’m sure it won’t be. My health is showing no signs of improvement.

All we can do is try. And that’s my point. The only way our year will be better is if we all try to change the bad things, try to improve our environment, our country, our world, and, of course, ourselves.

Stop whining and complaining and get off your ass and figure out what you can do to improve things…AND DO IT!

What do I plan to do to make my year better than last?

Find a way to bring in some income

Work on my health – exercise, get back on my healthy diet, stop neglecting my BG checks, keep working with my doctors to figure out issues and fix them, etc.

Work on my home and yard

Work on our issues with clashing personalities in the home

So far my list is only close to home stuff. But that’s where change begins.

Will I Be Missed?

Part of having depression is having unreasonable thoughts and feelings…maybe the word “unreasonable “isn’t quite right, maybe “untrue” is more appropriate here.

I’ve always suffered with the beliefs and feelings that I am unloved, unliked, unwanted, etc.. And over the past three years you can add on, a burden.

So, logically when I think about when the time I die comes…

Digression here. Yes, I think about dieing. I think it’s not morbid but actually healthy to think about your own death…as long as you’re not dwelling or obsessing over it. Being as riddled with incurable diseases as I am, as unhealthy as I am, it’s never seemed odd or “psycho” to think about what’s going to eventually happen to all of us.

I don’t do it in a suicidal way. I just am not afraid to think that far ahead (as if any of us knows when or how it’ll happen).

Digression over.

So logically, when I think about when the time I die comes, I wonder who will miss me. Will anyone? With me being so introverted, and having social anxiety, and being agoraphobic, I don’t really have a whole lot of social interaction with people. Sure I have friends, but will they really care, or even notice, when I die? I have a large family…I’m sure many of them will miss me, but honestly, I’m not too sure about all of them.

Like I said, I’m often overwhelmed with thoughts that no one cares, no one loves me…they don’t even like me.  I’m nothing but a burden to my husband and mother. So It would probably bring more relief and joy to them when I die.

I know this isn’t true. But because I have depression (yes, I’m on meds) I have these thoughts and feelings. And I’ve had them my entire life. I remember at a very young age, probably around six years old, having thoughts like this.

It’s very difficult to change thinking and feelings that you’ve had daily for 30ish years.

And when you are not the one causing your own thoughts and feelings- an illness is- well it’s even harder to change.

The meds help me “feel” better, and to some extent think “righter”, but they don’t cure me. So there’s always more work to be done.

Anna Kendrick – You’re Gonna Miss Me