This was originally posted to my old blog on August 24, 2013.
I have been depressed before, several times in my life, each caused by some horrible bad event(s). But this bout is a new depth of despair I have never experienced before. The feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, worthlessness, are so powerful and overwhelming they bring me to such a drained and exhausted point that all I can do is sit around like a zombie or sleep for ungodly amounts of time only to wake up to physical pain and fresh feelings of worthlessness. I find myself overwhelmed with stress, anxiety, fear, and sorrow to the point of bursting into uncontrollable sobs. I just want to shut down.
I know what the causes of this depression are. I am having to deal with constant rejection to job applications. It’s not just the pain of rejection but the knowledge that if I can’t get a job very soon we will be suffering big time financially. On top of the financial stress and the constant rejection, I have serious health problems that keep me sedentary and in chronic pain. Just imagine not being able to do even the most common of physical activities without severe pain, and being forced to sit on your ass all day, everyday. It may sound appealing to some, but for me, someone who actually likes and craves physical activity, it is torture. Not to mention the feelings of worthlessness that come with it. I can’t do anything to be a productive member of my household!
There are so many side effects to all of these problems that I can’t cover them all. I can, however,say that they are all bad and just feed my depression.
I know what will fix this problem. If I could get a job I would feel so much better. But if I get a job it would cause me to be in severe and constant pain because of my health problems. So somehow I need to cure my health problems and get a job, then all would be right with the world. What are the odds of that happening? I’ve been seeing a doctor to try and fix my health, but it has been very slow going and there is no immediate fix in the near future, so I’m screwed if I land a job within the next week or two (this is how soon I need it). On top of all this shit, I don’t qualify for disability help because, according to the government, my illnesses shouldn’t effect my ability to work. Not that I want to have to rely on anyone for financial help, I would much rather be able to work, but how well do you think you would be able to do your job if the physical part of it caused you to constantly feel like you were having a heart attack?
I just don’t see an end in sight. This has been going on for years and I am tired, tired of trying, tired of constantly working for something better that never comes. With every little bit of good comes a ton of shit. It has trained me to never allow myself to fall for happy things, because behind every happy thing is a black hole of sorrow. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have to worry. I can’t remember a time when my hard work paid off. I can’t remember a time when disaster wasn’t waiting just around the next corner. I can’t remember a time when I had a shoulder to cry on without being made to feel guilty or worse.